Next year will be better

I haven't posted in a while. I think today is a good time to do that. I've been having a lot of different emotions this week with Mother's Day coming up. First off this is my first Mother's Day with ALL my babies. We are not planning on having anymore kids so this is the first of many mothers days with four awesome kids. Connor will not be with me for the very first time on mother's day morning. His dad is graduating in TN and he needed to be there. I will have the afternoon on mother's day with him. But it's still really hard not having him here the whole day.
I've also been dealing with the fact that this is the first mother's day I feel like I don't have a mother to celebrate. Late last year (around the time Bella was born) I started distancing myself from my mom. Her drama and lifestyle choices were just too much to deal with. It's been a hard 6 months trying to "wean" my kids from her and not being able to just call her whenever. She is still in my life (if you want to call it that). She's allowed to come over to MY house anytime to see me and the kids. But we haven't been seeing a lot of her. Even when she does come over, her visits are very short and her attention is very unevenly divided among the kids. Certain ones get way more attention than others. My kids have taken to it all pretty well. They don't ask to call her anymore (Lilly use to talk to her every single day on the phone). They don't ask to go to her house. I've been able to explain to them (in a kid friendly way) my reasons. It's harder for me to adjust to it all though. Probably because I knew the "normal" side of her. I've seen the good and the bad. Unfortunately the bad is starting to REALLY outweigh the good. At one time she was a great mom. I learned a lot from that side of her. I would say I have learned how to be the mom I am from her. All the good qualities I have as a mother came from watching her when we were younger. But to add to it, I also have learned what kind of mother I DON'T want to be. The mom from when I was younger is gone. She is proof that a person can change so drastically that they become a completely different person. Like the original person never existed. That mom is "dead". I will never see her again. It's like I'm mourning the death of my mom but she's not really dead........it all makes sense in my head anyway.
I have a wonderful step mom. I don't want anyone to think I'm discounting anything that she has done for me and my sisters. She has taken my mom's place in a lot of ways in our lives. But as much as I love her it's not the same as if I still had my "normal" mom.
Every time I sign into Facebook I see all my friends changing their profile pictures to honor their mothers. It's been a hard week. I have made a promise that my kids will always have a mother worth celebrating on Mother's day for their whole life!