It's been a while. I've been thinking for weeks...even months, that I need to write. I just haven't found the time. And even though I am tired, this needed to be shared.
My kids have been driving me to my breaking point the past few weeks (or months). I'm sure it has more to do with all the craziness the month of October brought this year. My kids haven't been worse than usual. I just haven't been able to handle it all as good as usual.
Let's begin with a short update.....
Bella is walking now. She had some problems sleeping for what seemed like months but was in reality probably only a month or two. So that meant I was not sleeping. Thankfully she has seemed to come out of that "phase". But it was rough.
Kerri..........thinking back at all the problems and worries that I've written about her in this blog, it seems like I'm talking about a different kid! I can not explain (or type without tearing up) the difference I've seen in her. She still has her quirks and I believe she always will be "different". But I'm not at all worried about her anymore. She has gone into this new situation of school head on with no problems at all. She loves her teachers and SHE HAS FRIENDS!!!! (She even introduced me to one of her friends the other day) We have not had to deal with a meltdown in months!
Kerri did have her tonsils and adenoids removed last month since the sleep study showed she had sleep apnea. She bounced back like it was nothing.
Lilly is still Lilly. She is loving ballet! I was a little worried about how she would do with it. She gets distracted a little easy. And I knew the class we put her in had a very serious teacher (fun but serious). Plus two of her friends are in the class with her so I just knew she would not pay attention. She completely proved me wrong. She is doing so well! I'm pretty sure this is going to be her "thing".
Connor......oh Connor........there are days when I can not wait for him to fall asleep so I can have some quiet time! He is constantly full of energy. He can talk FOREVER! Most days I love listening to him go on and on and on and on.....other days I have to make him stop talking and go to another room. He is growing up too fast. I was babysitting Parker the other day and he had on one of Connor's old shirts. I just started crying over this shirt. I don't know where the time has gone with Connor. I've always been here but I feel like I've missed so much with him. I was so young when I had him. And our situation wasn't the easiest. Even though my life has been all about him (and the girls) from day one, I feel like I didn't focus on enjoying the younger years with him as much as I should have. And sometimes I feel like I've missed my chance.
So anyway, back to the title. Like I said, my kids have been pushing me to the edge lately. It seems like they fight non stop. Sometimes I seriously think they hate each other! I never remember fighting with my sisters like this. And the disrespect that comes out of them (some more than others) blows my mind. I know I haven't taught them that this behavior is acceptable (at least I hope I haven't).
Today after school we took all 4 kids to run errands (we hardly ever do that). They were not happy. The were wound up and wild. And just to torture ourselves, we decided to take them to Arby's to eat dinner. As soon as we walked in they started in. Running around the restaurant while I was trying to order the food. Then of course Kerri has to go to the bathroom, and then Lilly does, and then Connor. Lilly takes Kerri into the womens. Connor walks two feet over to the bathroom door and decides he doesn't have to go.....he would rather stay out and run around the old lady behind us in line. Then of course the register that we were at decided not to work. The kids are playing hopscotch on the tiled floor now. I get onto them and make them come stand by us at the counter. Finally the register works and we get our cups. Getting the drinks was a sight to watch (at least I guess it was since the whole restaurant seemed to be watching us juggle getting 6 drinks). We finally get the kids settled at a table and I go up to get the ketchup. As I'm filling 6 tiny cups with ketchup I am almost shaking. I feel like everywhere we go it turns into a big circus. I constantly feel like people are staring at this big loud crazy family. While I'm standing there feeling embarrassed of my kids behavior the old lady walks up to me and says "You have a very nice little family. I had four young ones at one time. They grow up too fast." Then I watched her go to a table and sit by herself to eat her dinner.
We sat a few tables away from her. Now that I think about it, she sat where she could watch us. And she had probably been watching us the whole time while we went around the table and had each kid tell us what they wanted most for Christmas. She was finished eating way before all of us were. I seen her walk towards our table and stop at Bella. (Old people always love talking to Bella. She smiles so big at everyone.) She says hi to Bella then walks over to me and slides $5 on our table. She said "It's not much but I wanted to help out with your dinner cost a little. You have such a nice family." We tried hard to give the money back. She said "have a good Christmas." and was out the door before we could get up out of our seats.
I felt bad. While I was thinking about how crazy my kids were acting and what bad things people were thinking about me as a mother who couldn't control her kids....this little old lady was probably thinking how she would love to have her big loud crazy family like that again. I know I will miss it when it's gone :(
God knew I needed that little old lady today. I had a really bad day yesterday. I was crabby and took it out on my kids. I cried myself to sleep last night thinking about how I'm an awful mom. How every single thing I do is for my kids and I feel like they think so little of me. It seems like some one else is always better. And I just can't do anything right.
That $5 is not getting spent. It is my reminder that my kids will grow up and one day I will be that little old lady eating dinner at Arby's alone.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
My story....9/11/2001
September 11, 2001
Missouri
19 years old
Around 9:30 am
I woke up in my dorm room at MAC. Late for class of course. I had left the radio on that night for some reason (I didn't usually do that). I heard the station talking about what had happened. I don't remember what they said. But at that point I didn't care. I really didn't even listen to it. I figured it was just the news. No big deal. So I turn on a cd and start getting ready for what was left of my day. I walk up to the college. I've missed my first 2 classes but I knew all my friends would be hanging out waiting for the lunch hour to be over. I get up to our "spot" and there was a big screen tv on with the news talking something about New York. Actually in that moment I still don't remember paying attention to the news. I remember some comments being made by some of my friends. I don't remember exactly what they were. But at that point it still wasn't a big deal to me. I remember some classes being canceled. I guess that's when I realized that "something" was going on. I still didn't know what the big deal was though. I remember sitting with my friends watching the news on the big screen. I do not remember seeing any of the scenes that I see today, although I probably did. The next thing I remember was driving to my mom's house. It had to be in the late afternoon because my mom, step dad, and sister were home from work/school. On the way there I seen cars lined up at the 7-11. The gas prices were $4.00 a gallon. THAT was the moment that I realized this was something huge and it finally hit me that this was a big deal! I get to my mom's house and they had the news on. While watching it with them that's the point when I became kind of scared and worried. But still didn't know what was REALLY going on. I still figured "well that's in New York. It really doesn't have much to do with us.". I don't remember the exact day (it wasn't long after this) that I realized how much it DID effect us. I was at a friend of mine's dorm. I remember just finding out that he had to leave (I believe he was in the Reserves). I still remember watching him ironing his uniform and getting everything ready. The next night a bunch of our friends gathered outside the dorms to tell him goodbye. I had just found out that I was pregnant with my son. So I was a little emotional anyway. But that was a hard day. And that was when I realized what happened in New York was effecting everyone everywhere.
Looking back I feel stupid. On September 10th if you had asked me where the twin towers or the pentagon were or even WHAT the were, I would have had no idea. I was in college and I couldn't really have told you what "terrorism" was. I guess I didn't pay much attention in high school. Looking back I was so oblivious to what was happening. If something like this would happen now, I would be terrified. Because now I know what this is all about. Ten years ago I believe it was a blessing to be so oblivious about it all. With being very "freshly" pregnant and only 19, I know I would have freaked out. So on one hand I wish I would have realized what was happening but on the other hand I'm glad I didn't.
Today on the 10th anniversary I do know what happened and I can not imagine what these people who lost family and friends go through. Listening to their stories breaks my heart. I still can't watch the footage of the towers falling without tearing up.
So that's my story of where I was on 9/11. It's not some heroic moment or some huge time in my life but at least now I know what was really going on and what our troops are fighting for.
Missouri
19 years old
Around 9:30 am
I woke up in my dorm room at MAC. Late for class of course. I had left the radio on that night for some reason (I didn't usually do that). I heard the station talking about what had happened. I don't remember what they said. But at that point I didn't care. I really didn't even listen to it. I figured it was just the news. No big deal. So I turn on a cd and start getting ready for what was left of my day. I walk up to the college. I've missed my first 2 classes but I knew all my friends would be hanging out waiting for the lunch hour to be over. I get up to our "spot" and there was a big screen tv on with the news talking something about New York. Actually in that moment I still don't remember paying attention to the news. I remember some comments being made by some of my friends. I don't remember exactly what they were. But at that point it still wasn't a big deal to me. I remember some classes being canceled. I guess that's when I realized that "something" was going on. I still didn't know what the big deal was though. I remember sitting with my friends watching the news on the big screen. I do not remember seeing any of the scenes that I see today, although I probably did. The next thing I remember was driving to my mom's house. It had to be in the late afternoon because my mom, step dad, and sister were home from work/school. On the way there I seen cars lined up at the 7-11. The gas prices were $4.00 a gallon. THAT was the moment that I realized this was something huge and it finally hit me that this was a big deal! I get to my mom's house and they had the news on. While watching it with them that's the point when I became kind of scared and worried. But still didn't know what was REALLY going on. I still figured "well that's in New York. It really doesn't have much to do with us.". I don't remember the exact day (it wasn't long after this) that I realized how much it DID effect us. I was at a friend of mine's dorm. I remember just finding out that he had to leave (I believe he was in the Reserves). I still remember watching him ironing his uniform and getting everything ready. The next night a bunch of our friends gathered outside the dorms to tell him goodbye. I had just found out that I was pregnant with my son. So I was a little emotional anyway. But that was a hard day. And that was when I realized what happened in New York was effecting everyone everywhere.
Looking back I feel stupid. On September 10th if you had asked me where the twin towers or the pentagon were or even WHAT the were, I would have had no idea. I was in college and I couldn't really have told you what "terrorism" was. I guess I didn't pay much attention in high school. Looking back I was so oblivious to what was happening. If something like this would happen now, I would be terrified. Because now I know what this is all about. Ten years ago I believe it was a blessing to be so oblivious about it all. With being very "freshly" pregnant and only 19, I know I would have freaked out. So on one hand I wish I would have realized what was happening but on the other hand I'm glad I didn't.
Today on the 10th anniversary I do know what happened and I can not imagine what these people who lost family and friends go through. Listening to their stories breaks my heart. I still can't watch the footage of the towers falling without tearing up.
So that's my story of where I was on 9/11. It's not some heroic moment or some huge time in my life but at least now I know what was really going on and what our troops are fighting for.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Update (well overdue!!!)
Where to start.......
Well Kerri had her sleep study done a little over a week ago. This girl never ceases to amaze me. I can not begin to explain how nervous I was. Kerri had several fits the week before anytime we even mentioned the appointment. So of course I figured there would be screaming and crying through the whole night of the test. There was a little crying when we got out of the van. But once we got into the hospital she was a perfect angel!!! I'm still not sure if she just shut down and ignored what was going on or what happened, but whatever it was, it worked! Her nurse for the night was named Charles. And he was incredible with her. He explained every single thing before he did anything. She even helped him! Every time he wold start to do something else my thought was "ok, here we go! this will be when she starts her fit.". But it never happened! From him making marks on her head, to the first wire he put on, all the way to him putting the breathing thing in her nose, she went along with it all. Now, I'm sure it helped that there was a princess movie on the tv distracting her. And it helped that PaPa and MaMa Jan were there for a while. After she was all hooked up (to everything imaginable) I had no idea how this tiny little person with wires and tubes coming from everywhere, was going to get to sleep. But she layed down and with in 5 minutes she was out like a light! Here are a couple pictures to give you an idea of what all she had on her......
She had (I think) 12 wires on her scalp, 8 wires on her face, 4 wires on her legs, 3 or 4 wires on her chest, a sticky thing (attached to a wire) under her nose, the breathing "tube thing" on her nose, and two belts around her chest/waist.
Charles came in SEVERAL times through out the night to put the nose tube back in place because he said she was all over the place. She never woke up during the night though. So the two issues that started the whole sleep study process (problems falling asleep and problems staying asleep) didn't even happen! Go figure, right? Any way, we haven't heard any results yet on it. I plan on calling the dr this week (if I can ever find the time!).
While we are talking about Kerri, she starts school tomorrow!!! YAY! She is super excited....I am super nervous! Of all my kids she has always been the one I knew I would have a hard time sending off to school. She has been through so much already and I've been with her from day one. Even for the few months she was in daycare at age 2, I was working at the daycare and 1/2 the time was her teacher. So we've never really been apart like this. Besides all her "issues" that have been discussed in previous posts, I also worry about her health. When Kerri was around 1 year old she started having frequent high fevers with no other symptoms. She seen several specialists with no results or diagnosis. Her fevers would get up to 106 for no reason (at least that's what the doctors say). She had a febrile siezure and later on had some "staring" siezures. This lasted for a little over a year. Then February 22nd, 2010 she had her last fever. She has not had even the slightest fever for 1 year and 6 months now! So I really worry about her going to school and being around all those germs again. That was one of the most frustrating times of my life and I do not want to have to go through it all again. BUT on the good side, we have an awesome pediatrician now. So I know if it happened again we would get some answers this time.
Kerri is also starting ballet/tap classes next week. She's excited to be a ballerina. I'm sure I will have pictures to share soon.
The older two started back to school 2 weeks ago. Lilly had a rough start. She was having trouble making new friends since there weren't any of her old friends in her class. But by the 3rd day she was fine.
Lilly has a lot going on right now (which means I have a lot going on too). We have girl scout meetings starting back up. She is taking ballet classes. Plus she is doing cheerleading for the junior football league. She likes to stay busy. Unlike Connor who would just rather sit at home. Lilly is more like me. She likes to have something to do. But it's my job to make sure she isn't doing too much at once, and sometimes we bump heads with that. She wants to try everything. But right now she is at her limit. Her and the other girls have a birthday party coming up in October. Their party is usually a bit bigger than Connor's parties. Because we have them together since they are all born in October. Lilly has been wanting her own party but I gave her the options and I think she has chosen to have the parties together. I'm excited about this party. This year will be the biggest yet since we now have 3 girls.
Connor is doing so well in fourth grade. We haven't had any problems at all getting homework done. (that was a HUGE issue last year) He comes home, eats snack, & does homework and chores for the most part with no problems. He had no problem getting back into the routine of school.
Connor is taking it kind of easy this fall. Our town decided not to have the soccer league this year. He was pretty disappointed. He has decided he doesn't want to continue his drum lessons (as of right now). He said the teacher only taught him songs he didn't like and he just wants to write his own songs. He said he knows what he needs to know right now in order to write his songs so he doesn't need lessons. He has decided he is going to give boy scouts one last shot though. We've had problems in the past with finding him a good leader. But we know the assistant leader from the troop he is going to join so I think we will have better luck this time around. If not, then that's it.
Bella.....oh Miss Bella.....
I could watch this baby all day long. She is the funniest little baby ever. She has an obsession with her binky...or should I say binkies. She crawls around with one in her mouth and one in each hand. When she wants to play with something, she sits the binkies down next to her and when she finished she picks them bac up and goes on. It is the funniest thing.
She has learned to pull her self up on her feet. And just this week she has started walking along the couch (only if we use her binky to get her to walk of course). She got Parker's old walker and she is all over the place in that thing!
I think that pretty much covers it for now. Hopefully it won't be long until my next post. I was just itching to get on here and write but I never have time. So even though it's after 1am and I have to be up in 5 hours, it feels good to finally get a little update done! GOODNIGHT!
Well Kerri had her sleep study done a little over a week ago. This girl never ceases to amaze me. I can not begin to explain how nervous I was. Kerri had several fits the week before anytime we even mentioned the appointment. So of course I figured there would be screaming and crying through the whole night of the test. There was a little crying when we got out of the van. But once we got into the hospital she was a perfect angel!!! I'm still not sure if she just shut down and ignored what was going on or what happened, but whatever it was, it worked! Her nurse for the night was named Charles. And he was incredible with her. He explained every single thing before he did anything. She even helped him! Every time he wold start to do something else my thought was "ok, here we go! this will be when she starts her fit.". But it never happened! From him making marks on her head, to the first wire he put on, all the way to him putting the breathing thing in her nose, she went along with it all. Now, I'm sure it helped that there was a princess movie on the tv distracting her. And it helped that PaPa and MaMa Jan were there for a while. After she was all hooked up (to everything imaginable) I had no idea how this tiny little person with wires and tubes coming from everywhere, was going to get to sleep. But she layed down and with in 5 minutes she was out like a light! Here are a couple pictures to give you an idea of what all she had on her......
Charles came in SEVERAL times through out the night to put the nose tube back in place because he said she was all over the place. She never woke up during the night though. So the two issues that started the whole sleep study process (problems falling asleep and problems staying asleep) didn't even happen! Go figure, right? Any way, we haven't heard any results yet on it. I plan on calling the dr this week (if I can ever find the time!).
While we are talking about Kerri, she starts school tomorrow!!! YAY! She is super excited....I am super nervous! Of all my kids she has always been the one I knew I would have a hard time sending off to school. She has been through so much already and I've been with her from day one. Even for the few months she was in daycare at age 2, I was working at the daycare and 1/2 the time was her teacher. So we've never really been apart like this. Besides all her "issues" that have been discussed in previous posts, I also worry about her health. When Kerri was around 1 year old she started having frequent high fevers with no other symptoms. She seen several specialists with no results or diagnosis. Her fevers would get up to 106 for no reason (at least that's what the doctors say). She had a febrile siezure and later on had some "staring" siezures. This lasted for a little over a year. Then February 22nd, 2010 she had her last fever. She has not had even the slightest fever for 1 year and 6 months now! So I really worry about her going to school and being around all those germs again. That was one of the most frustrating times of my life and I do not want to have to go through it all again. BUT on the good side, we have an awesome pediatrician now. So I know if it happened again we would get some answers this time.
Kerri is also starting ballet/tap classes next week. She's excited to be a ballerina. I'm sure I will have pictures to share soon.
The older two started back to school 2 weeks ago. Lilly had a rough start. She was having trouble making new friends since there weren't any of her old friends in her class. But by the 3rd day she was fine.
Connor is doing so well in fourth grade. We haven't had any problems at all getting homework done. (that was a HUGE issue last year) He comes home, eats snack, & does homework and chores for the most part with no problems. He had no problem getting back into the routine of school.
Bella.....oh Miss Bella.....
I could watch this baby all day long. She is the funniest little baby ever. She has an obsession with her binky...or should I say binkies. She crawls around with one in her mouth and one in each hand. When she wants to play with something, she sits the binkies down next to her and when she finished she picks them bac up and goes on. It is the funniest thing.
I think that pretty much covers it for now. Hopefully it won't be long until my next post. I was just itching to get on here and write but I never have time. So even though it's after 1am and I have to be up in 5 hours, it feels good to finally get a little update done! GOODNIGHT!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Kerri Update
Kerri went to the dr for her day two appt. on Monday. She seen a psychologist and a pediatrician who specializes in genetics. There was still no diagnosis given which I am very ok with. The pediatrician explained it the best...."It's not about getting a "diagnosis" for Kerri. Its about getting her the help she needs. Unfortunately to get her some of these services she needs a diagnosis.". This is exactly what I've been feeling this whole time. I couldn't care less what "label" they give Kerri. She's still going to be my Kerri. But that diagnosis is going to help us in getting her the help she needs and help us in understanding how to help her through her life. So even though we didn't get a whole lot of answers coming out of this appointment, I still left feeling like we were on the right road to finding the answers. I love the team of doctors who are working with her.
So anyway, the doctors she seen Monday said basically the same thing as the other doctors. They see definite behavioral issues, signs of OCD, signs of Aspergers, and sensory integration issues. We are in the process of finding some behavioral therapy for her to start.
They did some blood work for some genetics testing. Those results won't be in for a couple weeks. They are looking for anything in her genetics that may lead them to anything else. From the blood work they did find out she is anemic. So she will go to her primary dr next week to talk about taking care of that.
She will be going back in 6 months. The doctors want to see how she does over the next 6 months since she will be starting preschool in September. And also she has developed a "strange" obsession with the brain. She wants to learn about it and see it. She's very interested in it. The dr wants to see where this "obsession" goes. Since it could be a sign of Aspergers.
Oh, and the speech pathologist from her last appointment came in and told us that she had forgotten to tell us that Kerri talks with a lisp. So she will need to continue speech therapy (which we were already planning on doing).
I'm sitting here trying to remember everything that the doctors told me. It was a lot of information. Most of it was "this is what we will do if the tests show something..." "blah blah". So really nothing that pertains to right now anyway. It was just a lot of information really fast. So I feel like I'm forgetting something in there.
But anyway, I was going to write this post yesterday but I've been putting it off. I'm dealing with my own insecurities about all of this. I have a very select few friends/family members who are completely supportive about me taking Kerri to the dr for all of this. I have several friends/family/people who are not so supportive. And I think a lot of them don't even realize that they aren't being supportive. But this is a huge part of our lives right now. And sometimes whether people believe me or want to hear about it or not, I need to talk about it.
Which brings me to the point.....IT'S NOT ALL IN MY HEAD! There have been several times that I have thought it was. I thought "maybe I'm just crazy. maybe kerri is completely "normal" and I'm just looking for something to be wrong like some people think". But let me tell you this...these are very highly qualified doctors and professionals that are agreeing with me now. So what do I say to that? Tell them they are all crazy??? I'm so tired of telling people about what is going on with Kerri and getting looked at like I'm crazy! There is obviously something. We don't know exactly what yet. But I will find out so that we can help her.
I'm so sick of people saying "she's just a 'normal' 3 year old". It is not normal for a child to pull her hair out and bite herself. It is not normal for a 3 year old to scream and hide in the other room when I vacuum. It is not normal for a 2 YEAR OLD to look at a poster of a heart in the doctor's office and say "look mommy, that's a heart". It is not normal for a 3 year old to not want to play with other kids her age. Yes, it is normal for 3 year olds to have tantrums, but not for an hour to 2 hours straight! (and just because you have never witnessed one does not mean they don't happen. it just means you are lucky).
I'm just so tired of people thinking they "know" Kerri. I am almost to the point where I'm done telling people anything about any of it. But I do know that there are those few people that have been so great listening to me when I need to talk about it. And those giving me advise. And even those going through the same thing. And that's why I keep sharing, for those people who DO believe and who do care. Thank you.
So anyway, the doctors she seen Monday said basically the same thing as the other doctors. They see definite behavioral issues, signs of OCD, signs of Aspergers, and sensory integration issues. We are in the process of finding some behavioral therapy for her to start.
They did some blood work for some genetics testing. Those results won't be in for a couple weeks. They are looking for anything in her genetics that may lead them to anything else. From the blood work they did find out she is anemic. So she will go to her primary dr next week to talk about taking care of that.
She will be going back in 6 months. The doctors want to see how she does over the next 6 months since she will be starting preschool in September. And also she has developed a "strange" obsession with the brain. She wants to learn about it and see it. She's very interested in it. The dr wants to see where this "obsession" goes. Since it could be a sign of Aspergers.
Oh, and the speech pathologist from her last appointment came in and told us that she had forgotten to tell us that Kerri talks with a lisp. So she will need to continue speech therapy (which we were already planning on doing).
I'm sitting here trying to remember everything that the doctors told me. It was a lot of information. Most of it was "this is what we will do if the tests show something..." "blah blah". So really nothing that pertains to right now anyway. It was just a lot of information really fast. So I feel like I'm forgetting something in there.
But anyway, I was going to write this post yesterday but I've been putting it off. I'm dealing with my own insecurities about all of this. I have a very select few friends/family members who are completely supportive about me taking Kerri to the dr for all of this. I have several friends/family/people who are not so supportive. And I think a lot of them don't even realize that they aren't being supportive. But this is a huge part of our lives right now. And sometimes whether people believe me or want to hear about it or not, I need to talk about it.
Which brings me to the point.....IT'S NOT ALL IN MY HEAD! There have been several times that I have thought it was. I thought "maybe I'm just crazy. maybe kerri is completely "normal" and I'm just looking for something to be wrong like some people think". But let me tell you this...these are very highly qualified doctors and professionals that are agreeing with me now. So what do I say to that? Tell them they are all crazy??? I'm so tired of telling people about what is going on with Kerri and getting looked at like I'm crazy! There is obviously something. We don't know exactly what yet. But I will find out so that we can help her.
I'm so sick of people saying "she's just a 'normal' 3 year old". It is not normal for a child to pull her hair out and bite herself. It is not normal for a 3 year old to scream and hide in the other room when I vacuum. It is not normal for a 2 YEAR OLD to look at a poster of a heart in the doctor's office and say "look mommy, that's a heart". It is not normal for a 3 year old to not want to play with other kids her age. Yes, it is normal for 3 year olds to have tantrums, but not for an hour to 2 hours straight! (and just because you have never witnessed one does not mean they don't happen. it just means you are lucky).
I'm just so tired of people thinking they "know" Kerri. I am almost to the point where I'm done telling people anything about any of it. But I do know that there are those few people that have been so great listening to me when I need to talk about it. And those giving me advise. And even those going through the same thing. And that's why I keep sharing, for those people who DO believe and who do care. Thank you.
Friday, July 22, 2011
If I didn't have kids...
If I didn't have kids, I'd still fit in my jeans. I would get to watch what I wanted to watch on TV. I would get to make whatever I wanted for dinner without worrying about someone whining "I don't like that!".
If I didn't have kids, my closet would be fuller, my bank account would be fuller, my bed would be EMPTY, my house would be clean, my belly would be flatter, my house would be quieter, my car would be smaller.
If I didn't have kids, my baths would be longer, my showers would be hotter, my mornings would be later, my dinners would be warmer, my naps would be longer.
BUT....................................................................................................
If I didn't have kids I wouldn't know who Spongebob is. I wouldn't know that Justin Bieber is "the hottest boy ever". I would have no idea how to speak Spanish (thanks to Dora the Explorer). I would still think the Naked Brothers Band was a band of naked brothers.
If I didn't have kids I wouldn't have learned about spaghetti tacos. I would have never known that ketchup could be used on EVERYTHING.
If I didn't have kids my my closet may be fuller but I wouldn't have a cute little voice to tell me "Mommy, you look beautiful like me." (Kerri)
If I didn't have kids my car might be smaller but my car rides wouldn't be nearly as entertaining!
If I didn't have kids my mornings might be later but I wouldn't have cute little faces waking me up. Or little bodies cuddling up in bed with me.
If I didn't have kids my dinners may be warmer but I wouldn't get to hear about the favorite/worst parts of my kids' day.
If I didn't have kids my naps may be longer but my dreams would be shorter.
I've been called a lot of things, but my favorite is "Mom".
If I didn't have kids, my closet would be fuller, my bank account would be fuller, my bed would be EMPTY, my house would be clean, my belly would be flatter, my house would be quieter, my car would be smaller.
If I didn't have kids, my baths would be longer, my showers would be hotter, my mornings would be later, my dinners would be warmer, my naps would be longer.
BUT....................................................................................................
If I didn't have kids I wouldn't know who Spongebob is. I wouldn't know that Justin Bieber is "the hottest boy ever". I would have no idea how to speak Spanish (thanks to Dora the Explorer). I would still think the Naked Brothers Band was a band of naked brothers.
If I didn't have kids I wouldn't have learned about spaghetti tacos. I would have never known that ketchup could be used on EVERYTHING.
If I didn't have kids my my closet may be fuller but I wouldn't have a cute little voice to tell me "Mommy, you look beautiful like me." (Kerri)
If I didn't have kids my car might be smaller but my car rides wouldn't be nearly as entertaining!
If I didn't have kids my mornings might be later but I wouldn't have cute little faces waking me up. Or little bodies cuddling up in bed with me.
If I didn't have kids my dinners may be warmer but I wouldn't get to hear about the favorite/worst parts of my kids' day.
If I didn't have kids my naps may be longer but my dreams would be shorter.
I've been called a lot of things, but my favorite is "Mom".
Thursday, July 21, 2011
My most favorite son
It's come to my attention in the past several months that several people don't know that Connor is not my husband's son. I have never tried to pass him off as Zack's son. I've always been very honest about Connor having a different dad than my daughters. It just surprised me that some people didn't know.
I got pregnant with Connor when I was 19 years old. I was too young and just starting college. But I don't regret any of it. Anything that would change having Connor in my life is unimaginable.
But I wanted to write a post about my favorite son. I was reading through my blog and realized I've written at least one post about each of my daughters. But none about Connor. I know why. I make it a point to not write too much about Connor because of the situation. He does have another parent. It's done out of respect I guess.
But anyway, I did want to write something about him so that my readers can know how incredibly awesome he is!
Connor is my favorite son. Not because he's my only son, but because he is so sweet. He really cares so much about other people's feelings. He is a great big brother. He only has sisters. He is getting ready to get a brand new sister (from his dad and step mom) in just a few weeks. He has always wanted a brother but when he found out they were having a girl he was so excited for them. If he was disappointed at all, he never showed it. I told him "Now that means you are extra special because you are the only boy for me and your dad.". He has a lot of sisters to protect. And he does a good job. Him and Lilly may fight like cats and dogs but he won't ever let anyone talk bad about her. He defends her.
I have had some issues with his behavior and anger in the past. But I want to say how incredibly proud I am of this boy! I have noticed a change in him in the past week or so that has been amazing. Its not a huge change but it's very noticeable. I can tell when he is getting angry that he tries to calm himself down before it gets out of hand. And he has been catching himself a lot before he argues with me. He has just really grown up and improved on his behavior. I mean all kids will still have their moments. But there are those of you reading this that know the "issues" I've had with Connor and Kerri. And to see both of them improving is like a miracle. It actually brings me to tears.
So anyway, Connor and I were talking tonight about how his family is different. He was telling me how he feels like he's basically alone. He said none of his friends have a family like his. I mentioned a friend of his at school (who I know has a step dad and a step mom). He said he didn't even know that about the boy. So we came up with a plan for Connor to learn more about his friends' families. And he might learn that he has friends with families like his. And he may find someone he can talk to. We also talked about how possibly God chose this type of family for Connor so that he could help other kids that are missing their dad too. He was really interested in being able to help other kids. He is such a sweet and caring boy. I can not wait to see what God has planned for this kid!
I got pregnant with Connor when I was 19 years old. I was too young and just starting college. But I don't regret any of it. Anything that would change having Connor in my life is unimaginable.
But I wanted to write a post about my favorite son. I was reading through my blog and realized I've written at least one post about each of my daughters. But none about Connor. I know why. I make it a point to not write too much about Connor because of the situation. He does have another parent. It's done out of respect I guess.
But anyway, I did want to write something about him so that my readers can know how incredibly awesome he is!
Connor is my favorite son. Not because he's my only son, but because he is so sweet. He really cares so much about other people's feelings. He is a great big brother. He only has sisters. He is getting ready to get a brand new sister (from his dad and step mom) in just a few weeks. He has always wanted a brother but when he found out they were having a girl he was so excited for them. If he was disappointed at all, he never showed it. I told him "Now that means you are extra special because you are the only boy for me and your dad.". He has a lot of sisters to protect. And he does a good job. Him and Lilly may fight like cats and dogs but he won't ever let anyone talk bad about her. He defends her.
I have had some issues with his behavior and anger in the past. But I want to say how incredibly proud I am of this boy! I have noticed a change in him in the past week or so that has been amazing. Its not a huge change but it's very noticeable. I can tell when he is getting angry that he tries to calm himself down before it gets out of hand. And he has been catching himself a lot before he argues with me. He has just really grown up and improved on his behavior. I mean all kids will still have their moments. But there are those of you reading this that know the "issues" I've had with Connor and Kerri. And to see both of them improving is like a miracle. It actually brings me to tears.
So anyway, Connor and I were talking tonight about how his family is different. He was telling me how he feels like he's basically alone. He said none of his friends have a family like his. I mentioned a friend of his at school (who I know has a step dad and a step mom). He said he didn't even know that about the boy. So we came up with a plan for Connor to learn more about his friends' families. And he might learn that he has friends with families like his. And he may find someone he can talk to. We also talked about how possibly God chose this type of family for Connor so that he could help other kids that are missing their dad too. He was really interested in being able to help other kids. He is such a sweet and caring boy. I can not wait to see what God has planned for this kid!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
In all fairness
A few weeks ago we added a new member to our family. Lilly got a kitten named Pawsha.
She is a perfect fit for our family. The kids love her and even Shadow (our dog) loves her. I'm sure there were some whispers behind my back when people found out we were getting another animal. But I've recently come to the point where I don't care. We have found the perfect dog and the perfect cat for our family and that's all that matters.
We've had a "few" dogs and cats before Pawsha. Our pug Lulu had to be put to sleep. The others were just not a right fit for our family. And it's not like we just dumped them off on the side of the road. They were all given to loving homes (well except for one incident. but he ended up in a very loving home thankfully!).
So anyway, none of that actually has anything to do with my post today. Part of me just felt the need to defend myself to some people who I know say things behind my back.
I really got on here to talk about Kerri. I can not begin to explain the progress this child has made! She still has her meltdowns here and there. But not nearly as often and they don't last nearly as long. She is like a different child. She definitely still has her "quirks". And there are still issues I have a hard time helping her through (like trying to explain to her why she doesn't need to brush her teeth 5 times in a row). But the meltdowns were the most stressful thing for us.
I however do not think she has autism though. I can kind of see OCD sometimes. But I'm still needing some convincing. The doctors need more "convincing" also which is why we have the day two appointment. BUT.....I think I may have accidentally stumbled on something else that may have been causing this huge stressor in our life. CAFFEINE!!.......Before 2 months ago, I was a huge Pepsi drinker. I mean HUGE!!! I'm actually a little embarrassed to admit it. But this blog is all about being honest right? We (meaning me and my husband, but mostly me) would go through cases of Pepsi a week. I alone would go through a 12 pack in one day. All day long I had a Pepsi open drinking it. I seriously think I was addicted. No joke. My two older kids have been allowed very limited soda. They get it when we go out to eat. They ONLY have it at home when we order pizza. They have it other places like at their grandparents but that's it. They may have a drink of ours here and there. But for the most part they were limited. Kerri on the other hand was limited the same way but she would sneak our sodas when we weren't paying attention and down them. Before we actually caught onto what she was doing, we just thought we had finished our sodas and didn't realize it. She would sneak out of bed at night and find sodas on the counter that weren't emptied and finish them all off. At the age of three I would bet that she had drank more soda than my older two in their whole lives! We could not keep it away from her. I seriously think she was addicted to it too! It was the strangest thing!
So, a couple months ago I started taking some medication for my migraines that thankfully makes Pepsi taste not so great anymore. I can still tolerate it but it's just not the same. So I went 6 weeks straight with no soda at all......and so did Kerri. I've had one here and there the past week or two. But like I said her behavior has been so different! We were at my dad's for 4th of July and I let her have a Pepsi (this is when me and my sister stumbled upon this). It was like from the first sip of that soda she turned into the "old Kerri". Then later that night she was so rude to even her favorite person Ma Ma Jan. Then the next night she had one of her meltdowns because she didn't like the fireworks. That very well could have been because she was scared. But the night before was so strange to see her change like that. I will definitely be mentioning this all to the doctors at her appointment.
So she goes for her day two appointment at Cardinal Glennon in about a week. Then in August is when they will do her sleep study which I am 99.9% certain they will determine she has restless leg syndrome.
And there I go rambling again. Back to my post.........
So Lilly got this kitten. Kerri is very rough with it. As she is with all things, including Bella. We had talked with the doctors about this when we were at her first appointment and they said it had to do with her sensory integration issues. To her she is touching them normally. But we know she is touching them too roughly. I am still learning ways to work with her on it. And I realize it's going to take time.
I try explaining to her that she needs to be gentle with the cat and that she could hurt the cat. But sometimes it looks like it goes right over her head. My heart broke today when I saw Kerri sitting on the kitchen chair crying and I walked over to see what was wrong. She said "Pawsha doesn't love me" I said yes she does. She said "No she doesn't. She keeps hiding from me and I just want to give her a hug cause I love her."
I guess I feel like some people think I shouldn't have let Lilly get Pawsha if I knew Kerri had this problem. And that really bothers me a lot. Because how is that ok? I don't want to hold my other kids back because of issues Kerri is having. That's not fair. That will only end up in blame on Kerri at some point. Our life can not revolve around whatever issues are going on with Kerri right now. They should not be "punished" for what Kerri is going through. If anything they should be helping teach her how to be gentle with the cat and with Bella. I think it's actually better that we got the cat than if we hadn't.
My kids are happy and that's all that matters to me :)
She is a perfect fit for our family. The kids love her and even Shadow (our dog) loves her. I'm sure there were some whispers behind my back when people found out we were getting another animal. But I've recently come to the point where I don't care. We have found the perfect dog and the perfect cat for our family and that's all that matters. We've had a "few" dogs and cats before Pawsha. Our pug Lulu had to be put to sleep. The others were just not a right fit for our family. And it's not like we just dumped them off on the side of the road. They were all given to loving homes (well except for one incident. but he ended up in a very loving home thankfully!).
So anyway, none of that actually has anything to do with my post today. Part of me just felt the need to defend myself to some people who I know say things behind my back.
I really got on here to talk about Kerri. I can not begin to explain the progress this child has made! She still has her meltdowns here and there. But not nearly as often and they don't last nearly as long. She is like a different child. She definitely still has her "quirks". And there are still issues I have a hard time helping her through (like trying to explain to her why she doesn't need to brush her teeth 5 times in a row). But the meltdowns were the most stressful thing for us.
I however do not think she has autism though. I can kind of see OCD sometimes. But I'm still needing some convincing. The doctors need more "convincing" also which is why we have the day two appointment. BUT.....I think I may have accidentally stumbled on something else that may have been causing this huge stressor in our life. CAFFEINE!!.......Before 2 months ago, I was a huge Pepsi drinker. I mean HUGE!!! I'm actually a little embarrassed to admit it. But this blog is all about being honest right? We (meaning me and my husband, but mostly me) would go through cases of Pepsi a week. I alone would go through a 12 pack in one day. All day long I had a Pepsi open drinking it. I seriously think I was addicted. No joke. My two older kids have been allowed very limited soda. They get it when we go out to eat. They ONLY have it at home when we order pizza. They have it other places like at their grandparents but that's it. They may have a drink of ours here and there. But for the most part they were limited. Kerri on the other hand was limited the same way but she would sneak our sodas when we weren't paying attention and down them. Before we actually caught onto what she was doing, we just thought we had finished our sodas and didn't realize it. She would sneak out of bed at night and find sodas on the counter that weren't emptied and finish them all off. At the age of three I would bet that she had drank more soda than my older two in their whole lives! We could not keep it away from her. I seriously think she was addicted to it too! It was the strangest thing!
So, a couple months ago I started taking some medication for my migraines that thankfully makes Pepsi taste not so great anymore. I can still tolerate it but it's just not the same. So I went 6 weeks straight with no soda at all......and so did Kerri. I've had one here and there the past week or two. But like I said her behavior has been so different! We were at my dad's for 4th of July and I let her have a Pepsi (this is when me and my sister stumbled upon this). It was like from the first sip of that soda she turned into the "old Kerri". Then later that night she was so rude to even her favorite person Ma Ma Jan. Then the next night she had one of her meltdowns because she didn't like the fireworks. That very well could have been because she was scared. But the night before was so strange to see her change like that. I will definitely be mentioning this all to the doctors at her appointment.
So she goes for her day two appointment at Cardinal Glennon in about a week. Then in August is when they will do her sleep study which I am 99.9% certain they will determine she has restless leg syndrome.
And there I go rambling again. Back to my post.........
So Lilly got this kitten. Kerri is very rough with it. As she is with all things, including Bella. We had talked with the doctors about this when we were at her first appointment and they said it had to do with her sensory integration issues. To her she is touching them normally. But we know she is touching them too roughly. I am still learning ways to work with her on it. And I realize it's going to take time.
I try explaining to her that she needs to be gentle with the cat and that she could hurt the cat. But sometimes it looks like it goes right over her head. My heart broke today when I saw Kerri sitting on the kitchen chair crying and I walked over to see what was wrong. She said "Pawsha doesn't love me" I said yes she does. She said "No she doesn't. She keeps hiding from me and I just want to give her a hug cause I love her."
I guess I feel like some people think I shouldn't have let Lilly get Pawsha if I knew Kerri had this problem. And that really bothers me a lot. Because how is that ok? I don't want to hold my other kids back because of issues Kerri is having. That's not fair. That will only end up in blame on Kerri at some point. Our life can not revolve around whatever issues are going on with Kerri right now. They should not be "punished" for what Kerri is going through. If anything they should be helping teach her how to be gentle with the cat and with Bella. I think it's actually better that we got the cat than if we hadn't.
My kids are happy and that's all that matters to me :)
Saturday, July 2, 2011
He's not finished with me yet
For most of my life I have wanted to be a teacher. I've worked in daycares since I was old enough to work. I've worked in a lot of the daycares in this county and can tell you which ones I would send my kids to and which ones I wouldn't even send a stray dog to. I have known I wanted to teach since I was around 13 years old. I was never really positive what I wanted to teach. At one point I wanted to open my own daycare. When I got into college my major was elementary education. At that point I wanted to teach 2nd grade. Then I had decided I wanted to teach kindergarten or 1st grade. A few years ago I changed my major to early childhood education and decided I wanted to teach preschool-kindergarten. So as you can see the age group has somewhat changed but the career has always been the same.
The past couple months I feel like I'm at a stand still. I'm not at a fork in the road. I feel like there's 50 forks in the road. I have no idea which way I'm suppose to go.
I've been going through my life just knowing I'm going to be a teacher one day. That's what I thought God had planned for me. I was good with that plan. I was happy with it. It suited me. Then one day I woke up and it just came over me....I don't think that's what God wants for me. Something is pulling me out of this "comfort zone" of doing what I know and have always done (teaching). Something is telling me it's not what I'm meant to be doing. I still believe I'm meant to work with kids. I don't think that will ever change.
I have just found myself almost screaming at God "what are you wanting me to do?!?!?!". I wish I knew his plan for me. I want to know where He wants me. Bella and Parker will eventually start school and I will eventually have to leave the house and get a job. LOL I need to be prepared! I can't be Parker's babysitter forever! (although I sure would like to be)
But seriously.....
It's not that I don't think I wouldn't be happy teaching kids. I would be happy working with kids no matter what. I just don't think that is where God wants me. I think He has other plans for me. Some people may not understand that. And that's ok.
I think I am starting to get some direction though. I've been praying and asking for God to show me something. I know He will. I think He has already. I'm just a paranoid person and I like to double check everything 100 times. LOL
So as long as He keeps showing me where He wants me to go, I will keep going. Because I know He's not finished with me!
The past couple months I feel like I'm at a stand still. I'm not at a fork in the road. I feel like there's 50 forks in the road. I have no idea which way I'm suppose to go.
I've been going through my life just knowing I'm going to be a teacher one day. That's what I thought God had planned for me. I was good with that plan. I was happy with it. It suited me. Then one day I woke up and it just came over me....I don't think that's what God wants for me. Something is pulling me out of this "comfort zone" of doing what I know and have always done (teaching). Something is telling me it's not what I'm meant to be doing. I still believe I'm meant to work with kids. I don't think that will ever change.
I have just found myself almost screaming at God "what are you wanting me to do?!?!?!". I wish I knew his plan for me. I want to know where He wants me. Bella and Parker will eventually start school and I will eventually have to leave the house and get a job. LOL I need to be prepared! I can't be Parker's babysitter forever! (although I sure would like to be)
But seriously.....
It's not that I don't think I wouldn't be happy teaching kids. I would be happy working with kids no matter what. I just don't think that is where God wants me. I think He has other plans for me. Some people may not understand that. And that's ok.
I think I am starting to get some direction though. I've been praying and asking for God to show me something. I know He will. I think He has already. I'm just a paranoid person and I like to double check everything 100 times. LOL
So as long as He keeps showing me where He wants me to go, I will keep going. Because I know He's not finished with me!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Update on Kerri (I can't come up with a clever title today)
I haven't posted in a while. I've been a little busy. I have found a new hobby.....well a couple new hobbies....that have been taking up some of my time.....sewing, making hair bows, and photography. Anyway, I will tell you all about that in a future post (since I'm on my husband's computer and that post will need the pictures which are on my computer WHICH is not cooperating right now).
So this will be an update about Kerri. We took her to the Knights of Columbus at Cardinal Glennon for her evaluation a couple weeks ago. Of course she was in a wonderful mood. All the doctors thought she was adorable. The doctors were all great. I had a slight "issue" with the psychologist when she asked the question "Well, how much attention is Kerri really getting when you have a 6 month old and an 8 month old to take care of during the day?". After I set her straight everything was fine :) I still kind of felt like some of the specialists she saw looked at me like I was crazy. But I think it was just me being paranoid cause when the team of specialist met at the end of the day they decided she needed to come back for more evaluations. They have a concern of Aspergers and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) that they want to either be able to confirm or rule out. She is also set up to go to a sleep clinic in August to either confirm or rule out restless leg syndrome. And we are working on finding her a behavioral therapist.
Do I think she needs all of this? Yes. Do I think there is something really going on with her? Yes. Do I want something to be "wrong" with her? NO! Absolutely not!!!! I realize there are a lot of people (even some in my own family) who think I'm crazy for thinking that anything could be wrong with her. In fact I don't think anyone in my family has ever really seen Kerri have one of her big meltdowns (the ones that can last for an hour or two). I think it's because when she's around my family it's for get togethers like dinners or holidays. There's things to distract her from her usual behavior. There's kids to play with (eventhough she will only play with them for short periods of times). There's different surroundings, toys, and environments. If people were to come stay at my house for a week they would see at least 5 meltdowns.
I was watching Kerri a lot last night. Lilly had some friends from our Girl Scout troop stay the night. Three of the girls were Lilly's age (6 almost 7) and one of the girls will be 5 in July so she's closer to Kerri who will be 4 in October. Kerri did play with her a couple of times but those times only lasted no more than 5 minutes. She really seemed to have a hard time with all these girls at our house all night. Kerri has gone to troop meetings with us and was fine but it seemed like having the girls here for a long period of time was really rough on her. She withdrew. She wanted to be either attached to me or by herself in her room. When we made cookies she did participate but she didn't interact with the other girls. She would talk to me but it was like she was pretending the other girls didn't even exist. I tried talking her through situations when the younger girl would want to play with Kerri's toys. Kerri would get so upset and just keep saying she doesn't want friends and she wants to stay alone and play. It made me so sad watching her distance herself from everyone. It added even more worry about her starting preschool in the Fall. I know she will do fine with staying but her making friends is the part I'm worried about.
Anyway, she goes for her second appointment in July. And if there's any diagnosis she will get it then. I'm scared for either situation. I'm worried they will tell me nothing is wrong. I mean what do I do with that? Obviously I'm having issues with her. And I have other kids who don't have these problems so it's not my parenting! But I also worry if they do diagnose her with anything that she will have that label all through school.
So I guess we will see what the next appointment brings. Maybe they will figure out she just has restless leg syndrome and her behavior is due to her lack of sleep! Wouldn't that just be.......ugh. I would definitely have some words for Dr. Killion (Mr. "I don't know what's wrong")!!!!!!!!!!
So this will be an update about Kerri. We took her to the Knights of Columbus at Cardinal Glennon for her evaluation a couple weeks ago. Of course she was in a wonderful mood. All the doctors thought she was adorable. The doctors were all great. I had a slight "issue" with the psychologist when she asked the question "Well, how much attention is Kerri really getting when you have a 6 month old and an 8 month old to take care of during the day?". After I set her straight everything was fine :) I still kind of felt like some of the specialists she saw looked at me like I was crazy. But I think it was just me being paranoid cause when the team of specialist met at the end of the day they decided she needed to come back for more evaluations. They have a concern of Aspergers and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) that they want to either be able to confirm or rule out. She is also set up to go to a sleep clinic in August to either confirm or rule out restless leg syndrome. And we are working on finding her a behavioral therapist.
Do I think she needs all of this? Yes. Do I think there is something really going on with her? Yes. Do I want something to be "wrong" with her? NO! Absolutely not!!!! I realize there are a lot of people (even some in my own family) who think I'm crazy for thinking that anything could be wrong with her. In fact I don't think anyone in my family has ever really seen Kerri have one of her big meltdowns (the ones that can last for an hour or two). I think it's because when she's around my family it's for get togethers like dinners or holidays. There's things to distract her from her usual behavior. There's kids to play with (eventhough she will only play with them for short periods of times). There's different surroundings, toys, and environments. If people were to come stay at my house for a week they would see at least 5 meltdowns.
I was watching Kerri a lot last night. Lilly had some friends from our Girl Scout troop stay the night. Three of the girls were Lilly's age (6 almost 7) and one of the girls will be 5 in July so she's closer to Kerri who will be 4 in October. Kerri did play with her a couple of times but those times only lasted no more than 5 minutes. She really seemed to have a hard time with all these girls at our house all night. Kerri has gone to troop meetings with us and was fine but it seemed like having the girls here for a long period of time was really rough on her. She withdrew. She wanted to be either attached to me or by herself in her room. When we made cookies she did participate but she didn't interact with the other girls. She would talk to me but it was like she was pretending the other girls didn't even exist. I tried talking her through situations when the younger girl would want to play with Kerri's toys. Kerri would get so upset and just keep saying she doesn't want friends and she wants to stay alone and play. It made me so sad watching her distance herself from everyone. It added even more worry about her starting preschool in the Fall. I know she will do fine with staying but her making friends is the part I'm worried about.
Anyway, she goes for her second appointment in July. And if there's any diagnosis she will get it then. I'm scared for either situation. I'm worried they will tell me nothing is wrong. I mean what do I do with that? Obviously I'm having issues with her. And I have other kids who don't have these problems so it's not my parenting! But I also worry if they do diagnose her with anything that she will have that label all through school.
So I guess we will see what the next appointment brings. Maybe they will figure out she just has restless leg syndrome and her behavior is due to her lack of sleep! Wouldn't that just be.......ugh. I would definitely have some words for Dr. Killion (Mr. "I don't know what's wrong")!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Next year will be better
I haven't posted in a while. I think today is a good time to do that. I've been having a lot of different emotions this week with Mother's Day coming up. First off this is my first Mother's Day with ALL my babies. We are not planning on having anymore kids so this is the first of many mothers days with four awesome kids. Connor will not be with me for the very first time on mother's day morning. His dad is graduating in TN and he needed to be there. I will have the afternoon on mother's day with him. But it's still really hard not having him here the whole day.
I've also been dealing with the fact that this is the first mother's day I feel like I don't have a mother to celebrate. Late last year (around the time Bella was born) I started distancing myself from my mom. Her drama and lifestyle choices were just too much to deal with. It's been a hard 6 months trying to "wean" my kids from her and not being able to just call her whenever. She is still in my life (if you want to call it that). She's allowed to come over to MY house anytime to see me and the kids. But we haven't been seeing a lot of her. Even when she does come over, her visits are very short and her attention is very unevenly divided among the kids. Certain ones get way more attention than others. My kids have taken to it all pretty well. They don't ask to call her anymore (Lilly use to talk to her every single day on the phone). They don't ask to go to her house. I've been able to explain to them (in a kid friendly way) my reasons. It's harder for me to adjust to it all though. Probably because I knew the "normal" side of her. I've seen the good and the bad. Unfortunately the bad is starting to REALLY outweigh the good. At one time she was a great mom. I learned a lot from that side of her. I would say I have learned how to be the mom I am from her. All the good qualities I have as a mother came from watching her when we were younger. But to add to it, I also have learned what kind of mother I DON'T want to be. The mom from when I was younger is gone. She is proof that a person can change so drastically that they become a completely different person. Like the original person never existed. That mom is "dead". I will never see her again. It's like I'm mourning the death of my mom but she's not really dead........it all makes sense in my head anyway.
I have a wonderful step mom. I don't want anyone to think I'm discounting anything that she has done for me and my sisters. She has taken my mom's place in a lot of ways in our lives. But as much as I love her it's not the same as if I still had my "normal" mom.
Every time I sign into Facebook I see all my friends changing their profile pictures to honor their mothers. It's been a hard week. I have made a promise that my kids will always have a mother worth celebrating on Mother's day for their whole life!
I've also been dealing with the fact that this is the first mother's day I feel like I don't have a mother to celebrate. Late last year (around the time Bella was born) I started distancing myself from my mom. Her drama and lifestyle choices were just too much to deal with. It's been a hard 6 months trying to "wean" my kids from her and not being able to just call her whenever. She is still in my life (if you want to call it that). She's allowed to come over to MY house anytime to see me and the kids. But we haven't been seeing a lot of her. Even when she does come over, her visits are very short and her attention is very unevenly divided among the kids. Certain ones get way more attention than others. My kids have taken to it all pretty well. They don't ask to call her anymore (Lilly use to talk to her every single day on the phone). They don't ask to go to her house. I've been able to explain to them (in a kid friendly way) my reasons. It's harder for me to adjust to it all though. Probably because I knew the "normal" side of her. I've seen the good and the bad. Unfortunately the bad is starting to REALLY outweigh the good. At one time she was a great mom. I learned a lot from that side of her. I would say I have learned how to be the mom I am from her. All the good qualities I have as a mother came from watching her when we were younger. But to add to it, I also have learned what kind of mother I DON'T want to be. The mom from when I was younger is gone. She is proof that a person can change so drastically that they become a completely different person. Like the original person never existed. That mom is "dead". I will never see her again. It's like I'm mourning the death of my mom but she's not really dead........it all makes sense in my head anyway.
I have a wonderful step mom. I don't want anyone to think I'm discounting anything that she has done for me and my sisters. She has taken my mom's place in a lot of ways in our lives. But as much as I love her it's not the same as if I still had my "normal" mom.
Every time I sign into Facebook I see all my friends changing their profile pictures to honor their mothers. It's been a hard week. I have made a promise that my kids will always have a mother worth celebrating on Mother's day for their whole life!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Yummy Goodness!
I made a very yummy dessert tonight. I got the idea from another blog. I tweaked her recipe a little. Check out her blog she's pretty awesome like me :) http://creativelyfrugallife.blogspot.com/
So here's what I did.....
Here's what you need:
9x13 dish
graham cracker crust (you can find good recipes online)
1 bag of big marshmellows
hershey candy bars (amount depends on how chocolatey you want it)
prepeare the graham craker crust and pack it in to the bottom of the cake pan
then put a layer of chocolate candy bars (the amount is up to you)
then add a layer of big marshmellows. I used the whole bag.
Then bake at 350` for about 5-8 minutes (or until the marshmellows puff up but before they brown)
After the marshmellows have puffed up, take the pan out of the oven and turn on the broiler. Put pan back in and bake for a tiny bit longer.....*keep a close eye on it! the marshmellows will burn very quickly if you leave them in too long. I had mine in for literally 30 seconds.
Then it's finished!
Now, I will let you in on my secret ingredient....but don't tell anyone!!!!!!!
So here's what I did.....
Here's what you need:
9x13 dish
graham cracker crust (you can find good recipes online)
1 bag of big marshmellows
hershey candy bars (amount depends on how chocolatey you want it)
prepeare the graham craker crust and pack it in to the bottom of the cake pan
then put a layer of chocolate candy bars (the amount is up to you)
then add a layer of big marshmellows. I used the whole bag.
Then bake at 350` for about 5-8 minutes (or until the marshmellows puff up but before they brown)
After the marshmellows have puffed up, take the pan out of the oven and turn on the broiler. Put pan back in and bake for a tiny bit longer.....*keep a close eye on it! the marshmellows will burn very quickly if you leave them in too long. I had mine in for literally 30 seconds.
Then it's finished!
Now, I will let you in on my secret ingredient....but don't tell anyone!!!!!!!
GREAT HELPERS!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Slow down!
I kept her in her bassinet (in our room) longer than any of the others.
I remember when she needed support when sitting in her swing and now she's twisting and turning in it.
I've been a little protective over her. I always say she's so "fragile". Or "she's sensitive". I think that has a lot to do with all the issues she's had. I'm ready for her to outgrow these problems that the dr says she will soon outgrow. But I still can't help but not want to let go and let her try new things. She was my only child who has had to stay in the hospital and I think that made me more protective over her.
She's had so many milestones so far.....
Like her first church service:
Her first pedicure:
Her first crush (The Bachelor. She loved watching him!)
Her first Grey's Anatomy night!
Her first pigtails:
Her first tea party:
Her first New Years Eve party (and first New Years Eve date)
Her first best friend along with her first kiss :)
And we can't forget her first smile! (and many others to follow)
Now I would say it's been at least the past 2 weeks (maybe 3) that she's been going crazy! She has started eating baby food (that took a while to get her to cooperate with that)
She is starting to use her legs more (a little)
She has started rolling over!
She is trying to sit up on her own!
She's holding her own bottle already! (I still hold it most of the time that's how I get my cuddle time with her)
And the most recent....EARRINGS!
So now I'm left wondering how to get her to SLOW DOWN! I need a little more time. Just a little :)
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Child of Mine
I have the best kids. I love them all the same amount but for different reasons. They all have their own personalities (that a lot of times don't mesh together well). They all have their own strengths and weaknesses. Some need constant attention, some are fine with little attention, some wait and wait and wait for attention until they need it so bad that they can't stand it.
My oldest daughter, Lilly is probably the best kid I could ask for. I mean she has her moments but all kids do. She is so incredibly smart. She's such a great student. She was "student of the month" last month. All her teachers have nothing but good things to say about her. She is always so willing to help out at home. I hardly ever hear her complain when I ask her to get me something (even if its the 50th time I've asked her). She is so good to her sisters. She loves her brother even when he's so mean to her. She's always wanting to take care of the baby to "give me a break". She's hardly ever in trouble (except for her smart mouth lately).
I've been thinking lately though that she isn't getting the attention she needs. I'm always so busy with the baby or different issues with the other kids. She never complains but I can always tell when she needs some special time. She can't wait til dinner time cause that's our time together. She helps me with dinner every night. And she never lets me forget. But I do see her asking her dad to play with her a lot. She is constantly "begging" for his attention. And he always finds something to do with her but it's like she can't get enough from him. I think they need more special time together. I always try to find time when just me and her can go to the store or the mall or out to eat. I think I may need to stop hogging her and share her with her dad :)
I just hope that she doesn't grow up and feel like she has to try and be perfect all the time. I want her to know it's ok to make mistakes and do things wrong sometimes. But I also worry that my other kids will hear me talk about what a great kid she is and feel like they are less loved. That's a hard balance to keep. Making sure all 4 kids feel just as loved and as important as the others. I mean I know they are all equally loved and all important. But I know how kids can take things wrong sometimes. Lilly has always been a fast learner. My oldest has always struggled with areas in school. He's very smart, he just has a hard time focusing. I am constantly trying to make sure I praise Lilly for all her great work but at the same time making sure I don't make my son feel like he isn't good enough. It's a lot harder than it sounds.
I'm not sure where I was going with all this. Maybe I just wanted to tell how great my kids are :)
Or maybe it came out of the events this morning....
Lilly wanted sponge curlers in her hair last night. She's never really had her hair curled. She has had her hair "crimped" and she hated it!!!
So anyway she loved having the curlers in last night
But this morning after I took the curlers out and fixed her hair she hated it. Right as I finished her hair it was time to leave for school. I had to push her out the door. I didn't get a picture but it was cute. She put her hood up and with tears rolling down her face she got in the van and headed to school. Now I'm going to worry about her all day. I should have just pulled it all up into a ponytail but I didn't have time :(
I hope she makes it all day :)
My oldest daughter, Lilly is probably the best kid I could ask for. I mean she has her moments but all kids do. She is so incredibly smart. She's such a great student. She was "student of the month" last month. All her teachers have nothing but good things to say about her. She is always so willing to help out at home. I hardly ever hear her complain when I ask her to get me something (even if its the 50th time I've asked her). She is so good to her sisters. She loves her brother even when he's so mean to her. She's always wanting to take care of the baby to "give me a break". She's hardly ever in trouble (except for her smart mouth lately).
I've been thinking lately though that she isn't getting the attention she needs. I'm always so busy with the baby or different issues with the other kids. She never complains but I can always tell when she needs some special time. She can't wait til dinner time cause that's our time together. She helps me with dinner every night. And she never lets me forget. But I do see her asking her dad to play with her a lot. She is constantly "begging" for his attention. And he always finds something to do with her but it's like she can't get enough from him. I think they need more special time together. I always try to find time when just me and her can go to the store or the mall or out to eat. I think I may need to stop hogging her and share her with her dad :)
I just hope that she doesn't grow up and feel like she has to try and be perfect all the time. I want her to know it's ok to make mistakes and do things wrong sometimes. But I also worry that my other kids will hear me talk about what a great kid she is and feel like they are less loved. That's a hard balance to keep. Making sure all 4 kids feel just as loved and as important as the others. I mean I know they are all equally loved and all important. But I know how kids can take things wrong sometimes. Lilly has always been a fast learner. My oldest has always struggled with areas in school. He's very smart, he just has a hard time focusing. I am constantly trying to make sure I praise Lilly for all her great work but at the same time making sure I don't make my son feel like he isn't good enough. It's a lot harder than it sounds.
I'm not sure where I was going with all this. Maybe I just wanted to tell how great my kids are :)
Or maybe it came out of the events this morning....
So anyway she loved having the curlers in last night
I hope she makes it all day :)
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