2 months, 8 days, 15 hours, 4 minutes......

2 months, 8 days, 15 hours, 4 minutes......

The day my life changed forever.....

I will never again be the same person.....never the same mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, or friend......

Here is my story from that day....not because I want everyone to know my business. Not because I want everyone to say "aw you poor thing". But because I can't keep it in. I need it out there. I need it to be somewhere for people to read. Somewhere for me to always be able to remember it. I need it to be somewhere other than just in my head.


August 7th 2015......
Just another day. It was a Friday. Connor was at his dad's house. The four girls and I were at home. I was babysitting baby Abby. It was the last Friday of summer vacation. The last Friday that they were serving free lunches at the city park. We had a house full of kids all summer so we made regular trips to the park for lunch. There were going to be prizes this day. The kids were excited. We all piled in the van.

I decided to drive by my mom's apartment on the way. I hadn't talked to her since Sunday. I really didn't think anything of it because the week before she had been at my house every day helping me with my nieces and nephews (her grandkids). We had a "cousins camp" all that week. I knew she was exhausted. I was exhausted.
The night before (Thursday) Zack had walked to her apt to return a pan that I had borrowed. He came home and said she didn't answer the door so he left the pan on her porch. The pan was kind of  big deal. I wanted to make sure she knew it was out there so no one would steal it and then I get the blame for it. I figured she was just sleeping or that she had gone somewhere with a friend. So I texted her "your pan is on your porch". I figured if she was sleeping then when she woke up she would see the text and get the pan.
As I drove by her apt, I see the pan still sitting there. I think to myself "Ok maybe she is STILL sleeping". But I needed to be sure. I had Lilly go knock on the door....no answer. "Knock louder. She's probably sleeping.".....no answer. At that point I get out of the van to check the door. We have a spare key but the screen door is locked. Well that means she HAS to be inside. I knock.....no answer. I hear her dog barking. Surely his barking would wake her up.....still no answer. I try to peek through the blinds.....I can't see anything. I had Lilly go around back and knock on her bedroom window.....no answer. I told Lilly to grab a chair off the porch and follow me to the back of the apt. I stood on the chair to look in the kitchen window....nothing.
At this point I know she's in there.....maybe she's in the shower.....maybe she's REALLY tired and can't hear me....maybe she's hurt and I just can't see her....maybe she's....
Lilly and I get back in the van with the other kids. I call Zack and tell him what's going on. He tells me to break in the screen door...."Are you crazy?!?!?!?!" That's all I need is to break her screen door and have to pay for it!!!! So he tells me just to wait til he gets home from work and he will see if he can get the door opened. Ummmmm.....no.
I get off the phone with him and call the police station which is just down the street. I explain to them what is going on and ask if they would be able to get in....Nope. Not without a search warrant. So I sit and contemplate what to do....
I called one of my mom's friends and ask her if she had heard from my mom. She said no. I told her what was going on and she said "you break in that door and if it breaks you just tell her to get over it!"
So finally I make the decision to do whatever I can to get in the apt. I make Lilly stay in the van with the other girls. I walk up to the door and just pull as hard as I can....it opens! I pause for a second and reconsider waiting for Zack. But by this time I know there is something wrong...during this time  had noticed there was no fresh dog poo in the yard. That dog hadn't been out for days...if she was just sleeping she surely would've heard the dog barking and all the noise I was making trying to get in. So I turn the key and open the door.....
In that split second is when my whole world changed...

The smell was unbearable. The dog was in the kennel going crazy. The only light was what was peeking in through the blinds on the windows. I headed straight to her room. When I first saw her laying in her bed, she looked just like she was sleeping. She was all curled up and tucked in. I thought "SERIOUSLY!? You slept through all of that? What the crap! Get up!" A little annoyed, I yelled "Mom!"
But by the time I made it to her bedroom door, it became more of a question...."mom?....Mom?" I was moving so slow, just waiting for her to wake up...."Mom!?"......nothing. I took a step closer to her bed....something kept me from getting too close. I got just close enough to reach my leg out and kick the foot of the bed.....she didn't move...."MOM!!!!!!!!!" I didn't need to get any closer...I knew she was gone.....I knew as soon as I saw the pan still sitting on her porch....I knew it when she didn't answer the door....I knew it when I opened the door....I knew it the second I saw her laying there.

The front door was still open.....I couldn't go out there!.....My girls were sitting out there waiting for me to come tell them that everything was fine. But I couldn't breathe. I needed air. I went out to the porch and called Zack. He answered, I told him "come home now....it's not good". I still couldn't breathe. I looked at Lilly sitting in the front seat. She looked so scared.....she knew it wasn't good. I motion for her to just stay there and hold on a minute.
I went next door to the neighbor's apt. I told her my mom wasn't moving. She came over and on the walk over I dial 911. The operator asks me all the routine questions...address, is she breathing, do you know CPR? Yes I know CPR but I surely wasn't going back in that room!
By this time I was on the verge of hyperventilating. The guy on the phone is trying to convince me to start CPR on my mom. I knew it was no use. Through my shortness of breath I tried to explain to him that CPR wouldn't help her. I knew she had been gone for days. He keeps insisting....I keep refusing.....the neighbor went into my mom's room to check her pulse...I knew there wouldn't be one. She came out and just shook her head and said "I'm sorry honey but she's gone...she has been for a while. She's cold." I knew all of that long before she told me, but it was like confirmation hearing it from someone else. I ended up hanging up on the 911 operator. The ONLY thing I was focused on was getting my kids out of that place...somewhere they wouldn't see all the commotion that I knew was about to start.
I couldn't breathe. All I could get out was "My kids....I have to get my kids out of here!" I kept repeating it. I walked outside and looked at the van....Lilly is crying. Finally the neighbor helps me get the girls into her apt. The police showed up. They kept asking questions. They were so patient with me. In the middle of talking to them I would just stop and start rambling.....trying to process everything that was happening. I walked over to check on the girls. They were all crying. The neighbor told them that Oma went to heaven. WHAT!? That was my job! I wasn't mad at her.....I just wish I would have been there the second that their lives changed. I should have been there to hold them the very second they found out. They shouldn't have had to wait for me.
I calmed them down the best I could and went back outside to talk to the police some more. WAIT! I needed to call someone right!? I called my dad. I couldn't breathe again. I said "mom is gone".....he didn't understand..."what do you mean gone?" I just couldn't say the word....but finally he understood. He said he would be on his way a soon as he could. He asked if I wanted him to call my sisters.....my sisters?.....crap!....I actually have to tell people!!! Which one do I call first?.....the one who is going to freak out?.....the one who hasn't talked to my mom in years?....or the one who hasn't talked to my mom in over a year? Will they care? How will they react?.....I can't call all of them. I told my dad to call the first two and I would call the one who lives close to me....at least maybe she could help me with my kids.
She's at work...."Sara, mom's gone...I came to check on her and she's...gone. I need your help with the kids. Can you come?"
Zack shows up....Sara shows up....the coroner shows up....
They take her away...
The next few days were a blur. I've heard people say they "feel numb"....I never knew exactly how that felt until then. I didn't sleep for days.
After going through my mom's phone, I was able to narrow down the day she had passed. The coroner had told me that she had been "gone" for about three days. My mom died on Tuesday August 4th 2015 sometime between the hours of midnight and 8AM. And my life was changed forever.

Some days are harder than others....But ALL of them are hard. I don't want her back here on earth. I will never wish for her to be back. She is free.....free from all her pain and free from all her illnesses. I would never want to wish all of that back on her. But I do miss her. My kids miss her. This has changed me to the very core of who I am. I will never ever be the same.

Scars

Thank God we don't have to hide scars......
This is a line in a song that I love. I heard it today for the hundredth time. Every time I hear this song, it speaks to me a little more and more. I have scars....I have lots of scars. Some are visible and some you will never see.

I have visible scars....
I have scars from self mutilation. 
I have scars from the stupid teenage decision to carve my then boyfriend's initials in my ankle....then carve it "off" when we broke up and THEN carve the next guy's initials above it....yep, stupid, I know.
I have invisible scars from bad relationships, hurtful people, bad situations and bad decisions. 

The most telling of all my scars though would have to come from the scarring disease I have. I have morphea. It has haunted me for the better part of my whole life. And it's not in a place that can be hidden. It's right in front of people's eyes.....it's on my face. I've had so many comments about it. I've had the "feel sorry for you" comments, the "I don't even notice it" comments, the "what the heck" comments. I've also had the looks....the "feel bad for you", "I'm trying not to stare", "disgusted" looks. Probably the most hurtful comment ever said to me was by a boyfriend who told me "Well, half of your face is pretty." But the best comment I've ever gotten was from my husband who said "It's part of why I fell in love with you." (insert "awwwww" moment). 

All of these scars have taught me something in their own way.
My self mutilation scars remind me of a feeling and a state of mind that I never ever want to get to again. I never again want to hate myself that much.
My "initial" scars remind me that I was a very stupid teenager. And that no relationship is worthy of that sort of scar.....or the emotional scars.
All the invisible scars from bad relationships, hurtful people, bad decisions and bad situations remind me of how far I've come. They show me how strong they have made me. 
The morphea reminds me everyday that beauty isn't always what's on the outside. It reminds me to be mindful of the comments I make about myself, especially in front of my impressionable daughters. It reminds me that I am not perfect. God didn't mean for me to be perfect. No one is perfect.

All of these scars will be with me for the rest of my life here on earth. But it's a great feeling that one day in heaven I will be made perfect. And who knows, maybe even in heaven I'll still have the scars. Maybe God considers my imperfections, perfect. 
 

My birth stories

 Yes I'm pregnant again. #5! After reading many birth stories online I was inspired to write mine.

When I was 19 I got pregnant with my first child. Being so young, I had no idea of my options and choices during childbirth. I went to the doctor my mom, step mom and sisters went to. I let everyone make my choices for me. When I was 20 years old, on the way to my younger sister's high school graduation, I went into labor while in rush hour traffic. I never took a child birthing class or anything like that. I knew nothing! I never remember my doctor even explaining anything to me. 

I remember walking the halls trying to get labor to progress. I remember a VERY painful back labor. Labor started at about 4pm on a Friday and I had my son the next morning. I remember almost nothing about my labor. I do remember the intense pain. I remember being completely exhausted. Then I vaguely remember the doctor coming in telling me I he had to do an emergency c-section. People that were there say it was because the baby's heart stopped. I honestly have no idea what happened. I don't remember seeing my son for the first time or even holding him. I don't remember who was there. It was not at all what I thought child birth was suppose to be like.

Fast forward 2 years later I was pregnant again. Again I was young and still didn't know my options. And no one informed me either! I was never told I could choose a VBAC. I had no idea what that even was. So of course I did the only thing I knew, I went to the same doctor and had a repeat c-section. He never once informed me of any other option. In fact I remember exactly what he said "we will do another c-section since you've already had one". I had no reason to question him. So when I was 22 I had my second c-section.

Three years later it was time for another baby! By this time I was a bit more informed (only due to my own research). I ordered books and read up on having a VBAC. When I brought it up to my doctor (the same one) I was shot down. I was told it wasn't an option. So I believed him. And was talked out of it. I actually went into labor at 37 weeks with this one. And when I was 25 I had my third c-section.

And then another three years go by. It was time for baby #4. She was a complete surprise. I didn't even bother thinking about a VBAC. I didn't look into it at all. Which I do regret. And then when I was 28 I had my fourth c-section.

Now here I am at 31 (yes i actually just gave my real age) and I am faced with a 5th c-section. I have done tons of reading online about a VBAMC (vaginal delivery after multiple c-sections). I've also read a lot about the risks that come with having yet another c-section. So now I'm scared to do either! I wish the baby could just appear! Now I know that's not possible. So I have to make a decision. So far I have no one on my side for a VBAC. But then again I don't think they understand the risks of another c-section. I would LOVE to not have another c-section. This is our last and it may be selfish but I want the child birth experience. And I know if I don't try it then I will regret it. But if someone can show me that another c-section is the safest option without a doubt then that's obviously what I will choose. But from what I'm reading there are risks either way. And I understand that even if I try a VBAC that it may end up in another c-section. I'm ok with that. At least I would have tried. 

So, now any advise, concerns, suggestions are welcome. I am also trying to find a different doctor. I want one who is more concerned about my wants than his/hers. I want someone who explains my options to me and supports me in what ever decision I make.

What has God done for you?

Sometimes I get in a rut and wonder "what has God done for me lately?!". Things get so crazy and stressful and I feel like I'm talking to the wall instead of praying to God. 
Then He gives me a huge slap in the face and reminds me of everything that He has done for me and my family.
I was looking at some videos on YouTube and came across a video that I had made for Kerri a while back. When I think back to that period in our lives I am always astonished at how that situation turned out.
 
(for new readers, here is a little background. or you can read my past posts) Kerri had gone through a couple difficult years. Pretty much from 18 months to about 3 years old. I was convinced she was autistic, I thought she had high functioning autism. I approached the situation as if we had gotten that diagnosis. I did everything I could to get her the help she needed (what I could get without a diagnosis).

About a year ago I was at a breaking point. I KNEW Kerri needed more than what I was getting from the doctors. It felt like no one believed me, like they were giving me the run around. One night after the kids were in bed asleep and Zack was at work, I sat and prayed harder than I ever had before. I told God that whatever His plan was, wherever this situation was headed, to PLEASE show me! I turned Kerri over to Him. I prayed for Him to take control and do His will. Whatever it was, I was ready to deal with it. I could not watch her suffer anymore, and she was suffering.

Fast forward a year, and God answered that prayer. Not only did He open doors to get Kerri help, but He started working in her heart. She tells everyone she can about her God. She's the first person to let you know if you are doing something that God doesn't approve of. She no longer has "issues" like she did before.

Now here is my theory on what caused it and what "resolved" it........
When Kerri was about 18 months she started getting unexplained high fevers. After several different doctors we still didn't have a diagnosis or reason for the fevers. Her temperature would spike to sometimes 106. At about 18 months or 2 years old she had a febrile seizure in the waiting room of the ER in my arms. She then started having "staring seizures". She seen a neurologist among the list of doctors and nothing was found to be "wrong". Then February 22nd, 2010 she had her last fever. I was very happy that the fevers were gone but still nervous everyday that they would return. I also wished I had known what caused them. But I guess we will never know. I believe the fevers and/or the seizures had something to do with her other "issues". Now I am obviously not a Dr but she was completely perfect before the fevers started. Once the fevers and seizures started her behavior and whole personality changed.
I have no clue what stopped the fevers. I do believe the reason the seizures stopped was because the fevers stopped. But even after the fevers were gone the personality and behavior changes just worsened. So (I believe) the fevers caused the seizures and the seizures and/or fevers caused the personality and behavior issues. 
What resolved the behavior issues?? I truly believe that had we let it go and not intervened that Kerri would have definitely at some point soon there after been diagnosed with autism. But I never let it go. We struggled through people talking behind our backs, people thinking we were crazy, teachers and doctors telling us to basically just "wait and see". I got her in speech therapy as soon as it was available to her. I made sure her teachers knew what was going on and even though they resisted to believing any thing was wrong they did do what I asked as far as helping her. I got her into counseling. We all helped her at home. She slowly started getting better. Now I know we made a big difference in the outcome by never giving up on her. But I truly believe that God answered my prayers, stepped in and helped her more than any doctor ever could have. Jesus not only saved her when he died on the cross but He saved her from this situation. With out Him I have no idea where she would be right now. But I'm so thankful we don't have to think about it!

We now have a daughter who is not a perfect child, but who is perfect at being Kerri.

Time for an update!

Well. it's update time again! I feel like lately that's all I've been writing on here! Hopefully that will soon change.

Let's see....where to start......

Let's start with Zack.....you all know him right? He's my husband. I don't think I've talked about him in any of my posts but I DO have a husband. ;)
He has finally got himself a motorcycle. And I have had more panic attacks in the past couple months than I have my whole life! I totally trust him and it's not that I don't think he knows what he's doing. It just scares the crap out of me! I have probably imagined every possible way for him to wreck on that bike. I have no idea what we would do if something happened to him. 
We've been together for almost 11 years and to be completely honest, for the majority of that time I have taken him for granted. Our marriage has been so close to being over SEVERAL times. I won't go in to a whole lot of detail but there was arguing, disrespect, and just flat out rudeness everyday for as long as I can remember. And about 60% of it was me. I'm not proud to admit it but I was not the easiest person to live with (not that he didn't do his share of it). Over the past couple months our marriage has been better than it's ever been. It's still not perfect but it's WAY better than it has been for the past 10 years!

Now on to Connor.....He will be turning the big 10 years old next week! We went to check out his new school (building) for next year. He will be in 5th grade! I was walking through the halls and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe! There were lockers! When did he get old enough to have a locker??? Then we went to meet his homeroom teacher.....HOMEROOM!!!!!! That means he will be switching classes/teachers for every subject! Um....that's not suppose to happen until high school, or at least middle school....I'm not ready for this! So then we are walking down the hall and a girl......A GIRL......stops to talk to him. DEFINITELY not ready for that! He is just growing up too fast!
His dad has moved back into town and Connor is loving it! 
He has really been doing very well. His behavior is getting better. This past week it's been like having a totally different kid! He still has his moments (some days he has several moments). But I can see him trying to do better. We have even had a few peaceful days at our house which use to be very rare!

Now my Lilly girl.....She is like a teenager in a 7 year old's body! If her attitude gets any worse she could possibly end up worse than I was as a teenager! YIKES! I always knew God would give me a child just like me. But I never thought it would be my sweet Lilly! But even the negative can not overshadow her positive! She is doing very well in school. And her ballet is incredible to watch! I am just so proud of her. This is her first year in ballet and I can tell this is what she was meant to do. I love watching her. When she's in class it's like nothing else matters. She's so serious and focused. She has her first recital coming up in two weeks! Plus she got a part in the Nutcracker! Very exciting!

Kerri, Kerri, Kerri......If you were to come to my house after reading all my previous posts about her, you would think I was a crazy person! I have no explanation for it but this child is not the same person she was the past couple years. She has improved so much. I honestly think she was at a very critical point in her development when we intervened. I believe she could have gone a very different way had we not done everything we did to help her. I can't even imagine what she would be like right now had we listened to some of the advise and just "let her be". Don't get me wrong, she still has her quirks, but nothing worrisome. 
She is also taking ballet. Not sure we will keep her in next year or not yet. It can be pretty pricey and she's not as into it as Lilly (yet). We are planning on letting her explore different things first to see what she really enjoys. Right now she is playing t-ball. She's so cute. She's never played baseball in her life so it took a little getting use to. In the Fall she will be playing soccer. She's super excited about that. She also has her ballet recital in two weeks. I pray that she does well as far as being backstage with out me. I'm a little nervous about that. 

Miss Bella.....I have to say, she may possibly be the cutest baby I've ever seen in my entire life! She is learning so much everyday. Every time she talks it's seems like a new word comes out of her mouth! I am so blessed to get to stay at home with her (and the other kids) and watch her learn and grow each day. She is the sweetest and most affectionate baby ever! She absolutely LOVES to give hugs and kisses and cuddle! She does have a mean streak though.....she's a biter! It's so hard to get on to her though!! 

So I think that's pretty much it for the most part. I have to say my life is not perfect and I know it never will be, but this has to be as close as it gets! I am the happiest I've ever been!

It runs in the family...

I am the second oldest of four girls. We are all so different but still alike in many ways. My youngest sister and I are the most alike. There's very few differences in our personalities. 

I have been noticing how much my kids are like me and my sisters. I have four kids (1 boy and 3 girls). 

Connor, my oldest, reminds me so much of my older sister, Jen. He's moody sometimes. He plays with his sisters but not often. He'd rather play by himself. He's a little shy at times. He's a follower not a leader. >>> But he is a lot like me also. He's sensitive. His feelings get hurt so easily. He has a temper. He is constantly trying to please everyone. He worries non stop. 

Lilly, my second oldest, reminds me a lot of myself in so many ways. She does very well in school. She loves writing stories. She helps with her younger sisters all the time. But she is so hard on herself. She is very self critical. I think sometimes she feels more like the oldest than the second oldest.

Kerri, my third, reminds me of my younger sister, Kim. She's such a clown. She loves to make people happy (but not laugh, if they laugh at her she cries). She's always making silly faces and making up silly dances. >>> On the flip side she is like me. She's a perfectionist. Everything has to be "just right" and HER way. I was always considered the "problem child"......Kerri is definitely my most "difficult" child. 

Bella, my youngest, is just like my younger sister, Sara. She is the sweetest baby you will ever meet. Plus she's the baby of the family and she takes advantage of that. She knows everyone is going to give her what she wants cause she's the cute little baby. >>> But she has a temper, just like me. She is a biter just like I was when I was little. She can be a mean little snot when she doesn't get her way.

My sisters and I have all grown up to be great women. We love our families. So whether my kids grow up to be like me or one of my sisters I will be happy with who they become. 

Will it ever end?

First I'd like to lead off with this for those of you who don't know what autism really means. It's not the "Rain Man" type of thing for every person. This is the best website I could find that explained it to where I thought everyone could understand it: http://helpguide.org/mental/autism_spectrum.htm 

Today Kerri had her check up at the Knights of Columbus at Cardinal Glennon. It was her 6 month check up to see how things have been since she's started school. 


Socially, we have noticed some improvement. She has friends at school. Which is very exciting! She talks about them all the time. She loves going to school. It takes her a while to let go of us in the mornings but she has never had a fit. Her teachers say she's quiet. And if the kids approach her she will play with them. She still would rather play alone. But there has been progress. We had a meeting with her speech teacher last week who said that she thinks it would be ok for her to end speech services.

Her behavior has been better. We have not had very many extreme meltdowns from her. She still has them but I've noticed they are more out of frustration now. Where as before, sometimes they were for no reason. So at least now there's a reason!

Some things that have not gotten better or that have even gotten worse are her fears and her transitions/flexibility issues. She seems to be scared of everything lately. She refuses to go to the bathroom by herself, or go into her bedroom by herself. She is still scared to death of bugs. She still has a hard time with transitions or doing things a different way. If we are going somewhere and we take a different route she will always notice and very often have a fit. If she gets to school even a little late and class has already started it's harder for her to peel away from us.

So today was going to be a big day! I have come to the conclusion that there's nothing wrong with Kerri. I mean that's what everyone keeps telling me. They all just keep saying she's just unique. She just has little quirks. I thought I was going to go to this appt. and the doctors were going to tell me the same thing and it would all be over! The most I was expecting was a diagnosis of OCD. I was so ready for it to be over. I had prepared myself for what they were going to say. I was ready. I could live with the fact that Kerri is just "unique" (or at most had OCD). No more doctors! No more worrying!!

WRONG!!!!!! 

So we get to the appt. and the student dr comes in and asks how things have been going. I explain everything as I did above. Then the doctor came in and Kerri told her she was too loud. The doctor was in there for about 10-15 minutes and said she clearly noticed a few signs that makes her want to do another evaluation. So we go back in a couple weeks for that. The doctor also thinks that Kerri should not have ended speech services. We will decide more on that when we go for her evaluation.

So now I feel like I've gone through two extremes today....excitement to finally have this all over with and then the let down when I find out it's NOT over yet. I honestly feel like I'm starting at the beginning again, trying to convince people of what I'm seeing and what's going on, trying to deal with the worry. I am completely drained tonight. I don't even know what I think anymore.