These are the (past) days of my life...

I have realized that between me and my 3 sisters (one older and two younger) we all view our past different from one another and we remember/forgot different things. Eventhough we grew up with the same parents and in the same household (for most of our childhood). So I have decided to basically tell my life story through MY eyes....what I was feeling, thinking, and seeing. I plan to be VERY honest and blunt.
So lets get right to it...

Some of the earliest memories I have are the times spent with my mom, dad and sisters. We use to have campfires in the back yard. My dad cleared out an area in the woods behind our house and set up tree stumps for our seats. I remember going on trips and everyone having so much fun. Everything was so "perfect". I thought all families were like that. I never knew any different.

But as I grew older (around 4th or 5th grade) I started to "act out" (even more than usual). I refused to go to school. My parents had to literally carry me into the building screaming and crying. At the time I really had no reason why. At least I didn't know why. But looking back now I think I realized things were changing (before anything had even happened). I think I just had a feeling.I NEVER EVER remember my parents fighting or being unhappy with eachother....NEVER! (maybe I just blocked it out) But one day they sat me and my 3 sisters down in the living room to tell us that they were getting a divorce. We all 4 started crying. I was sitting in my dad's brown recliner. And that is all I remember of that day. I don't remember if they actually had to explain what that meant or if we just knew. I don't even remember the words they used.

Any how, the next memory I have is my dad coming to get some of his stuff from the house. The only thing I remember of that day is my mom standing by the dishwasher and having a mean look on her face. She was not talking to my dad very nicely and that is one of the first times I ever seen her treat him bad. When I look back this is the very first time I remember my mom starting to show a different side of herself. Up until this point I thought she was the perfect mom. 

Now I don't remember if this happened before or after they told us about the divorce. But I remember my mom going away for weekend trips. I remember one time laying on the couch crying because she was leaving again and I didn't know where she was going. I didn't understand why she wouldn't want to stay at home and spend time with us. I later figured out (on my own) that she was going to her "friend's" house. Friend...boyfriend...whatever right? I do remember my dad being there that day I was crying though. He never once said anything bad about my mom. (if he knew about this other guy, he was handling it well)

Now we had lived in this house for as long as I could remember. We had attended the same school our whole lives up until then (I was in 6th grade). I don't remember the discussion or announcement but I know we were told that we were moving (my mom, 3 sisters and me). We would be moving 30 minutes away from the only hometown we had ever know. It was horrible. We went from all 4 having our own rooms to having to share rooms with each other. We had to switch schools in the middle of the year. Because why??

My mom had a new boyfriend. Now boyfriend number 1, if I remember right, may or may not have been the reason we moved but not long after we moved there was boyfriend number 2. The only good thing he had going for him was his mom. (who remained in our lives until she passed away a few years ago.) We eventually moved from that house into his house where we had to switch schools again. This time in my life was one of the toughest. Its when I had to be the grown up and take care of my sisters. My mom and her boyfriend would stay in their room all day long. I know at some points they were doing drugs. But most of the time was spent sleeping. Looking back I rarely remember them out of that room. I do remember one occasion when for some reason they decided to come out and my mom made dinner and dessert. I remember this occasion so well because of the clothes I was wearing..... I had gotten a new pair of shorts. They were really cute, white with different patches here and there. When the boyfriend seen me he told me I looked like a slut in those shorts. My mom was standing right there and said nothing. I never wore those shorts again. I remember being the parent in that house. I remember not having food. I would sneak in my mom's purse and get money. I would get my 2 younger sisters dressed and we would walk to the store to buy food which I would then end up having to cook for them. (we had a lot of frozen peas and mac and cheese. that's about all i knew how to cook) My dad was in the picture this entire time. He had us every other weekend. It was like heaven at his house. We were taken care of....and I got a break from being the parent. But my mom had all the control. Shortly after that we moved again. We didn't change schools this time though. But my mom did change boyfriends.

Boyfriend number 3 was a guy on house arrest....yep my mom sure knew how to pick them! He didn't last long. I'm sure he was just using my mom.

Then came along boyfriend number 4. My mom met him at a gas station and married him a few weeks later. He was her first husband after my dad. This guy was just out of prison for (if I remember right) manslaughter or something. At least that's what he told me at one point. This guy beat the crap out of my mom. We had to live in a safe house because of this guy. We moved to a different city to hide from him. He found us. I remember him following us in the car and my mom trying to lose him by turning off on a dirt road and hiding. It was scary but not as scary as the night he showed up on our door step with a gun threatening my mom and us. Luckily he finally gave up or something cause after a while we didn't hear from him. I think he may have went back to jail or something.

Now boyfriend number 5 is a guy that I actually got along with. He was nice to me and my mom. He wasn't the perfect person. He did bad things. but He was nice (which seemed to be a missing characteristic in the others). They ended up breaking up and along came boyfriend number 6 and we moved again (back to the old school district we just came from).

Now let me give you a little bit of a time line here so you know how quickly this all happened. Boyfriend number 1 lasted long enough for us to move the first time. He was gone quick. Boyfriends number 2-5 were all within 2 years (give or take). Actually boyfriends number 3-5 were ALL in my eighth grade year. By the time boyfriend number 6 came I was going into my freshman year of high school.
So we move into this boyfriend's house. He soon became husband number 3. He was a total jerk. Not only did he beat the crap out of my mom on a regular basis but when I would try to "interfere" he would push and hit me. I hated him. I had the option to go live with my dad (which my older sister did). But I could not leave my two younger sisters there. And at the time I didn't want to leave my mom. I wanted to try and protect her. Her and this guy opened a daycare where me and my younger sisters ended up living at. We had our own bedrooms at the daycare.

At this point in my life I was happy (outside the living situation and my mom's marriage situation). I was now in 10th grade. I had lots of friends. I was a cheerleader at school. That was seriously one of my best years (at school). I had perfect attendance that year. One night at the homecoming football game I met a boy through my best friend. We started dating the summer before my junior year. Our first date we went to church. I fell hard for this boy. We dated on and off for about 2 years. Our relationship was a wreck to tell the truth. But you have to realize that the only relationships I had witnessed since my mom and dad divorced were horrible ones. I became very attached to this boy. He was the one person I could talk to and being with him meant NOT being with my mom and her husband.

My mom became very controlling. I think she was in a way jealous. Because I had someone new to focus on. My last few years were spent taking care of her responsibilities and taking care of her. She started treating me like crap. She would hit me, she would yell at me. She would start fights and then I would run away. I was sent to the "stress center" twice during this period. I don't usually talk about this but I said I was going to be honest. My mom had people convinced that I was depressed. I was not. I have NEVER in my life been depressed. People would think I was just a normal teenager rebelling against my mom. They had no idea what she was like or what I had been through. I recently found out that she called this boy's house at 2 in the morning to cuss out his parents. All because I was crying after he had broken up with me. He broke up with my because his parents did not want us together. And they had very good reasons. I would not want my son with a girl whose mother was like mine. Now I'm not saying this relationship ending was all my mom's fault. Me and this boy made a lot of poor choices. But I do blame my mom for a lot of it. I blame her for not giving me the guidance and the role model I needed at that time.

By this time I was not a cheerleader anymore. I had lost a lot of my friends. And we were living in an apartment because the daycare had closed. My mom was back and forth with boyfriends number 5 and 6. She bought a run down house and decided to remodel it. By this time one of my younger sisters had moved in with my dad. So it was just me and my youngest sister still with my mom. I ended up dropping out of school. Because between the hospital stays and missing school I fell behind. Something else I still partly blame my mom for.

My mom moved out of the apartment and I stayed behind. A couple of my guy friends moved in. It was one big party scene every night. I was basically acting out what I had witnessed from my mom. It was not good but still not the worst...one night my youngest sister had stayed the night with me at the apartment. My mom got mad about something the next day and came to pick her up. I had on my sister's shorts and my mom got mad and told me to go change. I told her I would just give them to her the next time I see her. But my mom always had to have control and she wanted the shorts right then. We started arguing and she started swinging I was putting my hands up to block the hits and all of a sudden she stopped and said she was calling the cops because I had hit her (which i hadn't). So the cops are called to my apartment and she feeds them some elaborate story and I get arrested for assault! I remember to this day the ride to the police station. This cop is telling me how I need to respect my mom and she's the only mom I will ever have and she loves me blah blah blah. I tell him he has no idea what kind of person my mom is but yet I'm still the bad guy. So my dad bails me out and I go to live with him. I loved my dad but I did not want to live in the city. So I eventually ended up moving in with one of my friends. And again it was party party party. Some things happened that made me pack up and leave one day. So I end up back at my mom's. That didn't last long though. She was on her 4th husband. (I lost count on how many boyfriends) I stayed in my sisters room with her. I had a new boyfriend. I had many since the break up with the first guy but I always stayed in contact with him. So my mom didn't want me living with her so she found me another apartment. Actually it was a shack. It had a room a kitchen and a bathroom. This was the lowest point in my life. The guy I was with was no good. And neither were the people I was hanging around. There were drugs and alcohol. Nothing good could have came out of it. And nothing did. One night I let my friend's brother stay at my house because he had nowhere to go. I woke up in the middle of the night to find my shack surrounded my police cars. I answer the door and cops barge in with guns drawn and put this guy in handcuffs. No one bothered to tell me that he had ESCAPED from jail! Luckily the cops believed me that I had no idea and I wasn't charged with aiding and abetting! I think that was a wake up call. I packed up and my mom and her new husband let me move back in with them until I figured out what I was going to do.

Now, this new husband was a good guy. I mean next to my dad he was the best guy my mom had been with. My mom finally had her life on track. And I was ready to get mine on track too. I decided to go to college. I moved in to a dorm. I started classes. I reconnected with a lot of old friends from high school. Even the guy that had broken up with me earlier. I had my best friend back. and I had new friends too. Me and this guy started dating again. But about 2 months in to my freshman year of college I find out I'm pregnant.

At the time it really didn't seem like a big deal to me. I know that sounds stupid but I knew all my life that I wanted kids. And I felt like I had grown up fast and didn't really feel 19. I mean looking back now I'm like "I got pregnant at 19. I was so young!" But it never felt wrong (besides the fact that I wasn't married). I had the chance to stay with the baby's dad. But I decided not to. I think I had been through so much and I was ready to move on. I felt like he was part of my past and as rocky as our relationship was at the beginning, I was worried about how it would have been with a baby in the whole picture. I started dating Zack, while I was pregnant. I felt like it was a fresh start. He didn't know about my past (not even until last night when I was finishing up this blog idea. I sat down and told him everything). It was the healthiest relationship I had ever had. Well as healthy as it could be with me being pregnant with someone else's baby. When my son was born it was the beginning of my new life. And it hasn't been perfect but it's better than where I came from.

I don't regret any part of my life, not even the horrible things. Because I know if even one tiny thing were different I would not be where I am today. I still do not have a good relationship with my mom and it makes me sad that I probably never will because she will never change. But I can make up for it with the relationships I form with my own kids. They will never even come close to going through what my sisters and I did. I take my responsibility as their mom and protectorr very seriously. Just like my dad did. He was there through it all with us. He did everything he could to make our lives better. But fighting my mom is a losing battle. She knows how to manipulate people and she always wants the control. It's exhausting to deal with her sometimes. But she is my mom and she is in my life. Things are different now though cause I have the control.

So there it is in a nutshell, really. I mean there is more but that will all come out in my book....just kidding, eventhough there's plenty for me to write a book with.