2 months, 8 days, 15 hours, 4 minutes......
The day my life changed forever.....
I will never again be the same person.....never the same mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, or friend......
Here is my story from that day....not because I want everyone to know my business. Not because I want everyone to say "aw you poor thing". But because I can't keep it in. I need it out there. I need it to be somewhere for people to read. Somewhere for me to always be able to remember it. I need it to be somewhere other than just in my head.
August 7th 2015......
Just another day. It was a Friday. Connor was at his dad's house. The four girls and I were at home. I was babysitting baby Abby. It was the last Friday of summer vacation. The last Friday that they were serving free lunches at the city park. We had a house full of kids all summer so we made regular trips to the park for lunch. There were going to be prizes this day. The kids were excited. We all piled in the van.
I decided to drive by my mom's apartment on the way. I hadn't talked to her since Sunday. I really didn't think anything of it because the week before she had been at my house every day helping me with my nieces and nephews (her grandkids). We had a "cousins camp" all that week. I knew she was exhausted. I was exhausted.
The night before (Thursday) Zack had walked to her apt to return a pan that I had borrowed. He came home and said she didn't answer the door so he left the pan on her porch. The pan was kind of big deal. I wanted to make sure she knew it was out there so no one would steal it and then I get the blame for it. I figured she was just sleeping or that she had gone somewhere with a friend. So I texted her "your pan is on your porch". I figured if she was sleeping then when she woke up she would see the text and get the pan.
As I drove by her apt, I see the pan still sitting there. I think to myself "Ok maybe she is STILL sleeping". But I needed to be sure. I had Lilly go knock on the door....no answer. "Knock louder. She's probably sleeping.".....no answer. At that point I get out of the van to check the door. We have a spare key but the screen door is locked. Well that means she HAS to be inside. I knock.....no answer. I hear her dog barking. Surely his barking would wake her up.....still no answer. I try to peek through the blinds.....I can't see anything. I had Lilly go around back and knock on her bedroom window.....no answer. I told Lilly to grab a chair off the porch and follow me to the back of the apt. I stood on the chair to look in the kitchen window....nothing.
At this point I know she's in there.....maybe she's in the shower.....maybe she's REALLY tired and can't hear me....maybe she's hurt and I just can't see her....maybe she's....
Lilly and I get back in the van with the other kids. I call Zack and tell him what's going on. He tells me to break in the screen door...."Are you crazy?!?!?!?!" That's all I need is to break her screen door and have to pay for it!!!! So he tells me just to wait til he gets home from work and he will see if he can get the door opened. Ummmmm.....no.
I get off the phone with him and call the police station which is just down the street. I explain to them what is going on and ask if they would be able to get in....Nope. Not without a search warrant. So I sit and contemplate what to do....
I called one of my mom's friends and ask her if she had heard from my mom. She said no. I told her what was going on and she said "you break in that door and if it breaks you just tell her to get over it!"
So finally I make the decision to do whatever I can to get in the apt. I make Lilly stay in the van with the other girls. I walk up to the door and just pull as hard as I can....it opens! I pause for a second and reconsider waiting for Zack. But by this time I know there is something wrong...during this time had noticed there was no fresh dog poo in the yard. That dog hadn't been out for days...if she was just sleeping she surely would've heard the dog barking and all the noise I was making trying to get in. So I turn the key and open the door.....
In that split second is when my whole world changed...
The smell was unbearable. The dog was in the kennel going crazy. The only light was what was peeking in through the blinds on the windows. I headed straight to her room. When I first saw her laying in her bed, she looked just like she was sleeping. She was all curled up and tucked in. I thought "SERIOUSLY!? You slept through all of that? What the crap! Get up!" A little annoyed, I yelled "Mom!"
But by the time I made it to her bedroom door, it became more of a question...."mom?....Mom?" I was moving so slow, just waiting for her to wake up...."Mom!?"......nothing. I took a step closer to her bed....something kept me from getting too close. I got just close enough to reach my leg out and kick the foot of the bed.....she didn't move...."MOM!!!!!!!!!" I didn't need to get any closer...I knew she was gone.....I knew as soon as I saw the pan still sitting on her porch....I knew it when she didn't answer the door....I knew it when I opened the door....I knew it the second I saw her laying there.
The front door was still open.....I couldn't go out there!.....My girls were sitting out there waiting for me to come tell them that everything was fine. But I couldn't breathe. I needed air. I went out to the porch and called Zack. He answered, I told him "come home now....it's not good". I still couldn't breathe. I looked at Lilly sitting in the front seat. She looked so scared.....she knew it wasn't good. I motion for her to just stay there and hold on a minute.
I went next door to the neighbor's apt. I told her my mom wasn't moving. She came over and on the walk over I dial 911. The operator asks me all the routine questions...address, is she breathing, do you know CPR? Yes I know CPR but I surely wasn't going back in that room!
By this time I was on the verge of hyperventilating. The guy on the phone is trying to convince me to start CPR on my mom. I knew it was no use. Through my shortness of breath I tried to explain to him that CPR wouldn't help her. I knew she had been gone for days. He keeps insisting....I keep refusing.....the neighbor went into my mom's room to check her pulse...I knew there wouldn't be one. She came out and just shook her head and said "I'm sorry honey but she's gone...she has been for a while. She's cold." I knew all of that long before she told me, but it was like confirmation hearing it from someone else. I ended up hanging up on the 911 operator. The ONLY thing I was focused on was getting my kids out of that place...somewhere they wouldn't see all the commotion that I knew was about to start.
I couldn't breathe. All I could get out was "My kids....I have to get my kids out of here!" I kept repeating it. I walked outside and looked at the van....Lilly is crying. Finally the neighbor helps me get the girls into her apt. The police showed up. They kept asking questions. They were so patient with me. In the middle of talking to them I would just stop and start rambling.....trying to process everything that was happening. I walked over to check on the girls. They were all crying. The neighbor told them that Oma went to heaven. WHAT!? That was my job! I wasn't mad at her.....I just wish I would have been there the second that their lives changed. I should have been there to hold them the very second they found out. They shouldn't have had to wait for me.
I calmed them down the best I could and went back outside to talk to the police some more. WAIT! I needed to call someone right!? I called my dad. I couldn't breathe again. I said "mom is gone".....he didn't understand..."what do you mean gone?" I just couldn't say the word....but finally he understood. He said he would be on his way a soon as he could. He asked if I wanted him to call my sisters.....my sisters?.....crap!....I actually have to tell people!!! Which one do I call first?.....the one who is going to freak out?.....the one who hasn't talked to my mom in years?....or the one who hasn't talked to my mom in over a year? Will they care? How will they react?.....I can't call all of them. I told my dad to call the first two and I would call the one who lives close to me....at least maybe she could help me with my kids.
She's at work...."Sara, mom's gone...I came to check on her and she's...gone. I need your help with the kids. Can you come?"
Zack shows up....Sara shows up....the coroner shows up....
They take her away...
The next few days were a blur. I've heard people say they "feel numb"....I never knew exactly how that felt until then. I didn't sleep for days.
After going through my mom's phone, I was able to narrow down the day she had passed. The coroner had told me that she had been "gone" for about three days. My mom died on Tuesday August 4th 2015 sometime between the hours of midnight and 8AM. And my life was changed forever.
Some days are harder than others....But ALL of them are hard. I don't want her back here on earth. I will never wish for her to be back. She is free.....free from all her pain and free from all her illnesses. I would never want to wish all of that back on her. But I do miss her. My kids miss her. This has changed me to the very core of who I am. I will never ever be the same.
