It's been a while. I've been thinking for weeks...even months, that I need to write. I just haven't found the time. And even though I am tired, this needed to be shared.
My kids have been driving me to my breaking point the past few weeks (or months). I'm sure it has more to do with all the craziness the month of October brought this year. My kids haven't been worse than usual. I just haven't been able to handle it all as good as usual.
Let's begin with a short update.....
Bella is walking now. She had some problems sleeping for what seemed like months but was in reality probably only a month or two. So that meant I was not sleeping. Thankfully she has seemed to come out of that "phase". But it was rough.
Kerri..........thinking back at all the problems and worries that I've written about her in this blog, it seems like I'm talking about a different kid! I can not explain (or type without tearing up) the difference I've seen in her. She still has her quirks and I believe she always will be "different". But I'm not at all worried about her anymore. She has gone into this new situation of school head on with no problems at all. She loves her teachers and SHE HAS FRIENDS!!!! (She even introduced me to one of her friends the other day) We have not had to deal with a meltdown in months!
Kerri did have her tonsils and adenoids removed last month since the sleep study showed she had sleep apnea. She bounced back like it was nothing.
Lilly is still Lilly. She is loving ballet! I was a little worried about how she would do with it. She gets distracted a little easy. And I knew the class we put her in had a very serious teacher (fun but serious). Plus two of her friends are in the class with her so I just knew she would not pay attention. She completely proved me wrong. She is doing so well! I'm pretty sure this is going to be her "thing".
Connor......oh Connor........there are days when I can not wait for him to fall asleep so I can have some quiet time! He is constantly full of energy. He can talk FOREVER! Most days I love listening to him go on and on and on and on.....other days I have to make him stop talking and go to another room. He is growing up too fast. I was babysitting Parker the other day and he had on one of Connor's old shirts. I just started crying over this shirt. I don't know where the time has gone with Connor. I've always been here but I feel like I've missed so much with him. I was so young when I had him. And our situation wasn't the easiest. Even though my life has been all about him (and the girls) from day one, I feel like I didn't focus on enjoying the younger years with him as much as I should have. And sometimes I feel like I've missed my chance.
So anyway, back to the title. Like I said, my kids have been pushing me to the edge lately. It seems like they fight non stop. Sometimes I seriously think they hate each other! I never remember fighting with my sisters like this. And the disrespect that comes out of them (some more than others) blows my mind. I know I haven't taught them that this behavior is acceptable (at least I hope I haven't).
Today after school we took all 4 kids to run errands (we hardly ever do that). They were not happy. The were wound up and wild. And just to torture ourselves, we decided to take them to Arby's to eat dinner. As soon as we walked in they started in. Running around the restaurant while I was trying to order the food. Then of course Kerri has to go to the bathroom, and then Lilly does, and then Connor. Lilly takes Kerri into the womens. Connor walks two feet over to the bathroom door and decides he doesn't have to go.....he would rather stay out and run around the old lady behind us in line. Then of course the register that we were at decided not to work. The kids are playing hopscotch on the tiled floor now. I get onto them and make them come stand by us at the counter. Finally the register works and we get our cups. Getting the drinks was a sight to watch (at least I guess it was since the whole restaurant seemed to be watching us juggle getting 6 drinks). We finally get the kids settled at a table and I go up to get the ketchup. As I'm filling 6 tiny cups with ketchup I am almost shaking. I feel like everywhere we go it turns into a big circus. I constantly feel like people are staring at this big loud crazy family. While I'm standing there feeling embarrassed of my kids behavior the old lady walks up to me and says "You have a very nice little family. I had four young ones at one time. They grow up too fast." Then I watched her go to a table and sit by herself to eat her dinner.
We sat a few tables away from her. Now that I think about it, she sat where she could watch us. And she had probably been watching us the whole time while we went around the table and had each kid tell us what they wanted most for Christmas. She was finished eating way before all of us were. I seen her walk towards our table and stop at Bella. (Old people always love talking to Bella. She smiles so big at everyone.) She says hi to Bella then walks over to me and slides $5 on our table. She said "It's not much but I wanted to help out with your dinner cost a little. You have such a nice family." We tried hard to give the money back. She said "have a good Christmas." and was out the door before we could get up out of our seats.
I felt bad. While I was thinking about how crazy my kids were acting and what bad things people were thinking about me as a mother who couldn't control her kids....this little old lady was probably thinking how she would love to have her big loud crazy family like that again. I know I will miss it when it's gone :(
God knew I needed that little old lady today. I had a really bad day yesterday. I was crabby and took it out on my kids. I cried myself to sleep last night thinking about how I'm an awful mom. How every single thing I do is for my kids and I feel like they think so little of me. It seems like some one else is always better. And I just can't do anything right.
That $5 is not getting spent. It is my reminder that my kids will grow up and one day I will be that little old lady eating dinner at Arby's alone.
