Update on Kerri (I can't come up with a clever title today)

I haven't posted in a while. I've been a little busy. I have found a new hobby.....well a couple new hobbies....that have been taking up some of my time.....sewing, making hair bows, and photography. Anyway, I will tell you all about that in a future post (since I'm on my husband's computer and that post will need the pictures which are on my computer WHICH is not cooperating right now).

So this will be an update about Kerri. We took her to the Knights of Columbus at Cardinal Glennon for her evaluation a couple weeks ago. Of course she was in a wonderful mood. All the doctors thought she was adorable. The doctors were all great. I had a slight "issue" with the psychologist when she asked the question "Well, how much attention is Kerri really getting when you have a 6 month old and an 8 month old to take care of during the day?". After I set her straight everything was fine :) I still kind of felt like some of the specialists she saw looked at me like I was crazy. But I think it was just me being paranoid cause when the team of specialist met at the end of the day they decided she needed to come back for more evaluations. They have a concern of Aspergers and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) that they want to either be able to confirm or rule out. She is also set up to go to a sleep clinic in August to either confirm or rule out restless leg syndrome. And we are working on finding her a behavioral therapist.

Do I think she needs all of this? Yes. Do I think there is something really going on with her? Yes. Do I want something to be "wrong" with her? NO! Absolutely not!!!! I realize there are a lot of people (even some in my own family) who think I'm crazy for thinking that anything could be wrong with her. In fact I don't think anyone in my family has ever really seen Kerri have one of her big meltdowns (the ones that can last for an hour or two). I think it's because when she's around my family it's for get togethers like dinners or holidays. There's things to distract her from her usual behavior. There's kids to play with (eventhough she will only play with them for short periods of times). There's different surroundings, toys, and environments. If people were to come stay at my house for a week they would see at least 5 meltdowns.

I was watching Kerri a lot last night. Lilly had some friends from our Girl Scout troop stay the night. Three of the girls were Lilly's age (6 almost 7) and one of the girls will be 5 in July so she's closer to Kerri who will be 4 in October. Kerri did play with her a couple of times but those times only lasted no more than 5 minutes. She really seemed to have a hard time with all these girls at our house all night. Kerri has gone to troop meetings with us and was fine but it seemed like having the girls here for a long period of time was really rough on her. She withdrew. She wanted to be either attached to me or by herself in her room. When we made cookies she did participate but she didn't interact with the other girls. She would talk to me but it was like she was pretending the other girls didn't even exist. I tried talking her through situations when the younger girl would want to play with Kerri's toys. Kerri would get so upset and just keep saying she doesn't want friends and she wants to stay alone and play. It made me so sad watching her distance herself from everyone. It added even more worry about her starting preschool in the Fall. I know she will do fine with staying but her making friends is the part I'm worried about.

Anyway, she goes for her second appointment in July. And if there's any diagnosis she will get it then. I'm scared for either situation. I'm worried they will tell me nothing is wrong. I mean what do I do with that? Obviously I'm having issues with her. And I have other kids who don't have these problems so it's not my parenting! But I also worry if they do diagnose her with anything that she will have that label all through school.

So I guess we will see what the next appointment brings. Maybe they will figure out she just has restless leg syndrome and her behavior is due to her lack of sleep! Wouldn't that just be.......ugh. I would definitely have some words for Dr. Killion (Mr. "I don't know what's wrong")!!!!!!!!!!

Next year will be better

I haven't posted in a while. I think today is a good time to do that. I've been having a lot of different emotions this week with Mother's Day coming up. First off this is my first Mother's Day with ALL my babies. We are not planning on having anymore kids so this is the first of many mothers days with four awesome kids. Connor will not be with me for the very first time on mother's day morning. His dad is graduating in TN and he needed to be there. I will have the afternoon on mother's day with him. But it's still really hard not having him here the whole day.
I've also been dealing with the fact that this is the first mother's day I feel like I don't have a mother to celebrate. Late last year (around the time Bella was born) I started distancing myself from my mom. Her drama and lifestyle choices were just too much to deal with. It's been a hard 6 months trying to "wean" my kids from her and not being able to just call her whenever. She is still in my life (if you want to call it that). She's allowed to come over to MY house anytime to see me and the kids. But we haven't been seeing a lot of her. Even when she does come over, her visits are very short and her attention is very unevenly divided among the kids. Certain ones get way more attention than others. My kids have taken to it all pretty well. They don't ask to call her anymore (Lilly use to talk to her every single day on the phone). They don't ask to go to her house. I've been able to explain to them (in a kid friendly way) my reasons. It's harder for me to adjust to it all though. Probably because I knew the "normal" side of her. I've seen the good and the bad. Unfortunately the bad is starting to REALLY outweigh the good. At one time she was a great mom. I learned a lot from that side of her. I would say I have learned how to be the mom I am from her. All the good qualities I have as a mother came from watching her when we were younger. But to add to it, I also have learned what kind of mother I DON'T want to be. The mom from when I was younger is gone. She is proof that a person can change so drastically that they become a completely different person. Like the original person never existed. That mom is "dead". I will never see her again. It's like I'm mourning the death of my mom but she's not really dead........it all makes sense in my head anyway.
I have a wonderful step mom. I don't want anyone to think I'm discounting anything that she has done for me and my sisters. She has taken my mom's place in a lot of ways in our lives. But as much as I love her it's not the same as if I still had my "normal" mom.
Every time I sign into Facebook I see all my friends changing their profile pictures to honor their mothers. It's been a hard week. I have made a promise that my kids will always have a mother worth celebrating on Mother's day for their whole life!